That being said ... there is a brand of friend that the lemon man and I often talk about ... the "flat tire at 2am friends" ... these are the friends that you know will be there for you in an instant ... no matter what is going on ... no matter what time of day it is ... and you
hope they know you would do the same for them ... I, personally, don't have many of these friends ... and one of the main ones I have lives out of state ... so in that exact situation wouldn't be much help ...
I had a friend recently talk to me about feeling like a lot of her relationships were one-sided ... if she stopped calling or talking then they would too and nobody would care ... I feel that way about a lot of my friendships as well ... if I disappeared from social networking into the hole in my mom's basement ... would anyone care? ... I mean probably every once in a while there would be a fleeting thought of I wondered what ever happened to ... but honestly would anyone really try to figure out what happened? ... it's kind of a sad thought ... I think I've been majorly burned by too many friends in the last few years ... I had a best friend ... she disappeared in a wave of lost friends and acquaintances when I separated from my ex ... I'm not saying I'm blameless ... I shut down ... leaving all of them more open to his venom ... but I shut down because I didn't want to say bad things about him ... I didn't want to feed the gossip monkeys ... I didn't want to hear their judgment ....
I definitely carry some blame ... but people shutting down in situations like those I think is almost expected ... they will do one of two things; spill their guts to the world ... or suffer in silence ... I was definitely the latter ... and that unfortunately ... was something many of my friends and family didn't understand ... it also made them not understand the reasons why we separated ... because I wasn't telling them ... or at least not volunteering the information ...
In the end ... I am left contemplating true friendships ... I think the bulk of those for me lie with the friends I can go years without talking to and still come back as if no time has passed ... I have other friends that serve more than their purpose in my life, and I in theirs ... but I think I'm a little short on flat tire at 2am friends ... and that is something I think I have to work on ...
I'm just thankful that ours falls into the go for years without talking and just pick up where we left off category, and that we are more talky than not.:-) love you, lady, even if i'm not one to go out. I know you understand the depth of my loyalty to you.
ReplyDeleteFriendships are somethings i am trying to figure out. They are much harder as an adult, when you don't see someone for a long time.
I wish i trusted more folks whom i work with.
They do seem to become more difficult as we get older ... and people become either more trusting or less trusting ...
DeleteAnd I absolutely understand the depth of your loyalty to me :)
:)
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteGreat points!!
ReplyDeleteYou know I am always the Flat Tire at 2am friend. And in my experience I've been that friend for someone who was not that way for me. And eventually I realized and let it go. they still say things like "we should get together instead of just saying we will" but we never will because they are not Flat Tire at 2am friends.
But there are other people who, despite my obnoxiousness, seem to love me anyway and I cherish them. And we are Flat Tire at 2am friends mutually.
And that is so meaningful and powerful. Hell, that is everything.
"They" say to have good friends you have to be one ... but I often find that being a good friend doesn't mean you'll have them ... I would go help someone out at 2am if they called me almost no matter who they are ... but a lot of other people aren't like that ...
Delete2am flat tire friends are indeed hard to come by. So when you find one, you should hold on and not let go.
ReplyDeleteI agree completely ...
DeleteI so understand! In bad times, I like to crawl under a rock and won't come out until the wounds have healed. Some take it the wrong way, but I I've found my good and true friends understand. If nothing else, I think you can really look around and take stock of your true friends. ;)
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely ... in some ways it was a test ... even though it wasn't a test I wanted to give them ;)
DeleteI totally feel this way too. I am definitely short on the 2am flat tire friends. They are hard to find these days. Like you, most of mine live far away. I guess I need to work on that.
ReplyDeleteHa - that's a great description! I also don't have a lot of them. And I just don't have patience for one sided friendships anymore...
ReplyDeleteI don't really either ... my boyfriend often wonders how I can just walk away from people ... and my answer is if they don't stop me, why shouldn't I? ... I didn't used to have that attitude, but I do a lot anymore lol ...
DeleteI like your thoughtful posts. I read your Hot Tuna post the other day. I am that 2 a.m. friend even though no one has ever called me at 2 a.m. and asked for help. But I would do it, even for my neighbor, whom I don't really like. Unless its a toxic connection, like your ex, I don't know that it matters if a friendship is exactly equal. Depends on our needs. I have friendships like you mention. We can go for months or years and then reconnect and its as if we never lost touch. Those are the best. In closing, if you lost friends because of what your ex was saying, they were not friends. And good for you for not falling prey to that. You have kids, should a parent be saying nasty things about the other parent? Never.
ReplyDeleteI agree that I the friends that listed to his venom weren't real friends to begin with ... it was still so hard ... and I agree with your thoughts ... thank you so much for reading and commenting :)
Deletei'm at the phase in life while its nice to have people that you are surface friends with, i have no more time for those that pretend, but when you need them, don't show up. i am to the place where i only pour into the ones that will show up, and leaving the others behind. love the description of 2am flat tire friends :)
ReplyDeleteI have surface friends that I hang out with quite a bit ... but I haven't invested anything in them ... I agree I can't pour myself into people that won't be there when I need them ...
DeleteI've always been a bit of a lone wolf, never much of a "friend" kind of girl. That's my fault...not anyone else's. I used to lust after friendships. I wanted what others seemed to have with their friends. But as I've gotten older, I've realized that family are some of the best friends in the world.
ReplyDeleteGreat post!
Awww ... I'm glad you have a supportive family :)
DeleteI've seen flat tire at 2am folks in action when my parents were in a serious car accident. Between all of the surgery and hospital visits (my Mom) my dad was beside himself (she is his life). Friends of theirs we did not often see came to visit on my mom's first day home. In two vehicles. They left in one. Making it so much easier for my dad to get my mom to appointments and stuff without her struggling to get into his truck. I hope that to the people that are important to me I am a "flat tire at 2am" friend.
ReplyDeleteI have seen them in action too ... it's always an amazing thing to see :)
DeleteI think it gets harder as we get older, as we move away fromt he periods of our lives where cultivating friendships was a number one or number two priority. I miss having those flat tire at 2am friends. I have one or two still but haven't made a new one in a very long time.
ReplyDeleteMoving and having friends move definitely puts a kink in the ability to maintain friendships ... I think I have more people that would answer the phone at 2am than I think I do ... I just don't view them that way ...
DeleteI love this post. And I realise that I don't have such treasured friends.
ReplyDelete:)
DeleteI don't have many friends. Sometimes I envy people that have girlfriends that live close by and they seem to do things together all the time. I chat to my girlfriends online as they all live to far from me for us to see each other too often.
ReplyDeleteI have surface friends that I hang out with ... but we're not very invested in each other ... unfortunately ... and maybe that's what I really need to work on :)
DeleteThis was a really good post. The older we get, it doesn't matter how many friends we have, but that we have one good one.
ReplyDeleteExactly ...
DeleteI find myself in this situation, too. All of my "2 am" friends are hundreds of miles away.
ReplyDeleteThat makes it hard when you really need them to be physically present, doesn't it?
DeleteI got married much later than most of my friends, after a while, I got tired of the one-sided relationships. I think it's sad that most are now relegated to Facebook birthday greetings, but that's how life goes, I guess.
ReplyDeleteI had the opposite ... I married and had kids much younger than all of my friends ... and I lost a lot of good friends in that process and through what I refer to as my "mommy snobbery" phase ... where I thought because I was a mom I was too good to hang out with my friends ...
DeleteI shut down because I didn't want to say bad things about him ... I didn't want to feed the gossip monkeys ... I didn't want to hear their judgment ....
ReplyDeleteI let the other people talk shit about him. I had a son with him and needed to stay away from it.
Great post.
Exactly ... I didn't think that engaging in talking trash was healthy for anyone involved ...
DeleteIsn't it fantastic when you disappear off of the grid and a friend calls to say they've missed you...
ReplyDeleteWG
http://itsmynd.com
:)
DeleteKeep searching -- good friends exist, and they will be there even if you fall of the grid for awhile. And they are worth the search!
ReplyDeleteI am definitely a handful of friends type more than a social butterfly. I also have found that it's important for me to let go of any resentment about contact - and since having kids, I've become a lot more forgiving in the hope that others will forgive me. Some people I consider close haven't been actually IN my life for five years. (My son is five!)
ReplyDeleteI have gotten better at letting go ... and I also have two amazing friends that I see very rarely ... years pass ... and yet I still consider them my two best friends ... it's amazing how that works ...
DeleteYou know, I think the very nature of the "flat tire at 2 am" friend is that they are rare and not constrained by geography. They are kismet. I think it is a brilliant stroke of grace to have one. :) Ellen
ReplyDeleteI agree :)
DeleteI ponder friendships. Many of my childhood and old high school friends "don't have time." My newer Mom friends "don't have time." I am wondering if I am worthy of people taking the time to be my friend. Dude, what's the matter with people?
ReplyDeleteI am happy to have found social media to make some new connections who "do have time."
And no, I don't think I have a "flat tire at 2am" friend. Except for my husband.
Good post. Got me thinking.
I agree with much of that ... and the new moms thing is something I blog about often ... I call it "mommy snobbery" ... all of us moms know that there is a different level of availability when we have children ... especially babies ... but being a mom doesn't mean we stop being ourselves ... I went through my own mommy snobbery ... but I'm over it now lol ...
DeleteGreat post. Couldn't be more timely for me as I work through some friend stuff as well. I make friends easily which puts me into the uncomfortable position of sometimes finding out that people aren't what they seem. Ugh. I love the idea of a felt tire at 2am friend. Interesting, provocative post. Erin
ReplyDelete:) thank you ... and it does get you thinking ...
DeleteNice post -
ReplyDelete2AM friends - Hmmmm...That would probably be Triple A! You've got me thinking a lot about friendships and how they come and go and how much time we put...or fail to put...into them.
I know right? AAA and maybe a spouse lol ...
DeleteSuch an important post. I have been thinking about friendship a ton recently, how the concept changes with time, how technology affects our human bonds. About the fact that I am here, typing away, staring into a screen, when I could be out in the world making eye contact with breathing people, or could call up an old roommate from college and ask about her life... I think about these things and think we all should. Thank you for making me think this Thursday morning. So thrilled to have stumbled here.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you stumbled here too :) ... and I agree I think that because we send a quick text or facebook message that we've replaced real friendship (that requires physical work, you know, like going out to lunch) with quick messages here and there ...
DeleteI am so with you. I don't have many 2 am friends anymore. I feel like I have a lot of "friends" ... but not the real kind. **sigh** and some of the blame lies on my shoulders too. I came by from yeah write!
ReplyDeleteFlat tire at 2 a.m. friends are incredibly rare and hard to come by. I've had to mourn some friendships over the years - people who I thought were good friends but realized the relationship was one sided. It was sad but it makes me cherish my true friendships even more.
ReplyDeleteFlat tire. Those two words really scare some people. To some, usually means being stranded on the side of the road waiting for road side assistance. To others, its just a minor inconvenience that can be easily remedied. Which group do you find yourself in? Replacing a flat tire is actually an easy process, with a couple of caveats. The first one is that you need to have the proper equipment. Second, you need the know-how and confidence that you can complete the job yourself. I honestly feel that there is no excuse for the lack of this knowledge. Especially since most of use drive our vehicles daily. It is such a big part of our lives. Replacing a flat tire is no mystery. Follow this quick guide to learn how. Tire disposal houston
ReplyDelete