The Toxic People That Bring Us Down ...

Recently I tried to erase someone out of my life in every way that was possible to me. After I went through and deleted almost one hundred people off my Facebook page I realized I was a happier person and then finally this one person crossed a line with me for the last time. I deleted her from every aspect of my life I possibly can and I refuse to interact with her unless I absolutely have to. Amazingly, it seems like once I got rid of all that toxicity, all that negativity I felt better about life in general. ... but ... I still feel the need to do the cathartic thing and get rid of it all, so here it goes.

I have written a few blogs about the Lemon Man's aunt, mostly on my old blog, but I brought one here for back story. Then there was the whole part where she let a fourteen year old bring drugs with her to our family vacation.

But there's more to it than all that ...

The first time I knew she had burned me was a long time ago, when I first met her. This was back when the Lemon Man and I were still defining our relationship. Which as corny as it may sound, was a lot like Matthew McConaughy and Jennifer Garner in Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. It was there, it was always there, but he had things that he wasn't sure about, and honestly a single mom with three kids isn't exactly a bachelor's first choice. There was an "us" there just wasn't a defined, legal definition "us." Anyway, there was this nurse ... this nurse that took care of the Lemon Man's grandma after her horrible accident,

Um, So You Didn't Tell Me They Had Drugs ...

Back when we went to Lake McConaughy (you know our amazing vacation from hell), there was another story that happened that I feel the need to put in writing.

The entire time we were at the lake the Lemon Man's sister (who is fourteen if you don't remember) was frantic about the cowboy boots she left at the Lemon Man's house before we left. Another friend that was coming later was supposed to bring them, but forgot them as well, so she never got her cowboy boots. I didn't really understand why she would need boots on a beach, or why she was so upset, but a few months later I found out why.

Several weeks after we came back I found out from the Lemon Man's cousin that both he and the Lemon Man's aunt knew that the sister and her fifteen year old friend had marijuana ... and it was hidden in the cowboy boots.

The cousin and the aunt are regular marijuana users, everyone knows this, apparently

Unfounded Resentment ...

For the purposes of some back story on blogs I will soon write, this is re-posted from my old blog and was originally published April 10, 2012 ... 

So, I have had an issue for a while now with my mom ... I live with her ... long story if you haven't been following ... and just today my boyfriend had a similar issue with another relative ...

People around us have started building resentments for things that they take on themselves ... in my case ... one example is how my mom always cooks breakfast every morning ... nobody ever asked her to do it ... in fact when I first moved in many times I was on my way to do it and she already was ... then one of two things happens every now and then ... the first is that out of nowhere she blows up at me about how I "never" do breakfast and how I am not pulling my weight ... the second is that one morning she just doesn't do it, but doesn't tell me she isn't going to and then it causes issues ...

In my case, what needs to be understood is that I had been living without a parent for eleven years ... and I've been  a mom for just as long ... I know how to

Touch ...

Have you ever taken one of those love language tests?... you know ... they ask you a bunch of questions and figure out what love language you are ... well, I have ... and I am mostly physical touch ... I have a lot of words of affirmation ... and then the rest just kind of flitter off into nothing ...

When I was getting ready to leave the hospital after my second child was born, my midwife came to me and said that I needed to be prepared for something ... she told me that never before and never again in my life would I be touched as much as I was about to be ... she warned me that my older child would want to touch me, my husband would want to touch me and of course the baby would need me to touch her ...

She apparently had never taken seven, nine and eleven year-olds on vacation ...

I love to cuddle with my kids ... I love to hold them ... and my goodness gracious was that trip to California (Disneyland, Sea World, Legoland) amazing ... but I have never, ever been

Yes, I've Been Quiet ...

Most of you know I went away to the land of Disney ... which was wonderful ... and I have a few blogs to write about it ... I came back ... went back to work ... and then worked six straight days ... took one day off ... and then worked thirteen straight days ....

I'm training someone at my job so that they have someone else who knows what to do when I'm gone ... and a little secret I have is that I often write (and read) at work ... so that has cut into my blogging ... 

My daughter is waist deep in her softball season ... I'm working on my nursing school applications ... and all of the sudden ... two years after starting The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo the first time ... and the third time I started it I managed to get past the really boring beginning and become completely enthralled in the entire series and have been spending my free time waist deep in Steig Larson ...

I have blogs upon blogs in my head .... and they will be coming ... I feel awful for not being able to catch up on all the blogs I read as well ... but should have some more time in the coming weeks ...

I miss you all :) ...

Giving the Best of Ourselves to Everyone Else ... and the Worst to Those we Love the Most ....

Originally posted on my "old" blog ... March 21, 2012 ... 


This is either a subject people know about and understand or they don't ... at least to start with ... but maybe those that don't will understand ... at least a little ... after reading this ....

My father was an amazing citizen ... he volunteered as an EMT ... he was on the Search and Rescue Team ... he was even a State Coordinator for the Search and Rescue Team ... he was social, outgoing and even charming to most of the world ... but at home he was reclusive and closed off ... he gave the best of himself to everyone outside of his family ...

I have had friends have experience with this lately ... and I have experienced it myself ... someone is sweet and charming and funny with the rest of the world ... they maintain their temper ... but then when they are around the people that are "closest" to them ... the

Dancing in the Rain ...

Originally posted on my "old" blog ... September 9, 2009 ... 

So, a while back, someone posted one of those pictures on my wall that says "life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." In the last few weeks, the very deep meaning of that has come to light for me.

Life will let you down, people will let you down, things will happen that you never dreamed would. You will find out that people you thought you knew aren't the people you thought they were, or maybe even your instincts and bad feelings about people or situations were right, and things you hoped weren't true, will turn out to be true. You will lose your car keys, your kids will do things like color on the couch ... random people will try to make you feel bad, to feel sad, to make you cry ... because apparently nobody ever taught them

Letting Go ... Divorce is Hard ...

Originally posted on my "old" blog ... August 4, 2008 ... 

I am carrying so much with me, so much that I let effect me, I'm just hoping that this will be cathartic, help me to let some of it go and move on . . . I have so much going on in my life right now, so much that is expected, so much that I'm obligated for . . . a lot of stress, both good and bad stress . . . and I need to get a handle on it because I've turned into an emotional basket case - crying at the drop of the hat, or one misplaced innocent action or word from family or friends, or anyone . . . some of this is probably normal, I'm getting divorced, with this comes various stages of grief and stress and whatever else . . . right now I feel like the first and last thing I need is a shoulder to cry on, someone just to hold me and tell me that everything will be alright . . . my finances are well, not even finances . . . my dad who lives 150 miles away is going way out of his way to put gas in my car and help with my rent . . . I miss my kids like crazy when they're gone and they drive me crazy when they're here . . . certain aspects of my job leave me feeling completely unappreciated and at my worst incapable . . . I'm dealing with lawyers and doctors . . .  and I'm trying to hold my shit together for everyone in my life . . . I try not to let anyone in on the emotions . . . because first off, this is nobody's burden but my own, but also I never know the reaction I'm going to get from anyone; sympathy, anger, judgment . . . but no matter what I am countered with nobody has a full grasp of everything I am going through . . . I was asked last night if I still thought it was for the best . . . and yes, absolutely is it for the best . . . there are things that would never be ok, things my kids should never have had to deal with as long as they did, things that I need to let go of because there is no point in me carrying it with me anymore . . . and I'm working on that . . . and of course there are things I miss, as anyone would with anyone they've been with for eleven years . . . most of it is intangible, and actually completely replaceable . . . if someone ever comes along that is willing and I want to replace those things . . . stupid little things . . . a lot of it physical, because I am a touchy feely person, I have a huge desire and need for physical contact with people period not just lovers, or boyfriends, or family but everyone . . . a hug from my friends . . . my boss rubbing my back and playing with my hair . . . it's not sexual just physical . . . but yeah, I miss the stupid little things that helped to reassure me that I was/am beautiful - inside and out, loveable, worth the effort to be touched . . . and these are reassurances that I shouldn't and in all reality don't need, but they are missed and wanted and desired . . . and at some point there will be someone who will be that person to me without all the negativity that makes leaving those things all for the best . . . but as my quote said not very long ago, there's a reason that today is called the present, it is a gift, we cannot live in the past, nor predict the future and live to create it or nurture it, but rather live for today, appreciate what is here, try to ignore what isn't and go to sleep hoping that you wake up the next morning for the gift of tomorrow, but yes, worrying about tomorrow today will do nothing if you don't wake up the next morning . . . so why bother . . . .

Labeling Our Children ...

Originally posted on my "old" blog ... October 13, 2010 ... 

I think there is a fine line between encouraging and nurturing the strengths of our children and labeling and pigeon-holing them into something, somewhere that is unfair to them ... so here is my confession/struggle ...

Hi, my name is Lemonade Lady, and I just came back from parent teacher conferences, and this is where I find it very hard to not "label" my children ... let me start out by saying that all three of my children are bright ... all three of them have areas they stand out in and areas they don't do so well in ... but ... here is where the issue lies ...


My oldest is "the creative one" ... she naturally draws better than I did when instructed by high school art teachers ... she is musically inclined, I have never heard her sing horribly off pitch ... not always perfect (and I'm a tough judge with three years of vocal music major fun stuff in college) .. but she is a decent singer ... she is interested in musical instruments and drama ... and writing .. which is about the only academic thing she is interested in ... she has already had plenty of F's and D's and I's and "needs improvement" and "below grade level" and other such negative comments on her report cards ... I fear her parent teacher conferences ... and today was

Unrealistic Expectations ... Are Movies Ruining Relationships? ...

 Originally posted on my "old" blog ... October 4, 2010 ... 

There was a study I heard about on the radio several years ago that touched on this ... and now here is another one that came out a few months ago ... with this news report of a study headed by Dr. Gabrielle Morrissey .. has brought it to headlines again ... and then anyone that has been familiar with MySpace/Facebook or the bumper sticker bulletin boards has probably at some point seen a sticker or icon that resembled the one to the right ...this is actually something I have given a lot of thought to lately, although not in the terms that the studies imply, I have a little different take ... but it's related in many ways ...

So the studies say that our romantic comedies and chick flicks create unrealistic expectations for romantic grandeur and communication and even sex ... that we then have this idea of how a relationship should be based on the romance involved in movies such as Notting Hill, Runaway Bride, You've Got Mail, The Wedding Planner & While You Were Sleeping ... just to name a few that are listed in the news reports and studies ... and I will preface all of what I'm about to say that those listed above and the rest of the movies that I will list are among some of my favorite movies and I appreciate a chick flick and romantic comedy as much as anyone else ... but now here is my take ...

These amazingly romantic movies ... the ones we watch and cry and sigh and wish that our lives, our relationships could just be that terribly romantic ... almost all of them ... involve cheating on some level and the hero or heroine breaking somebody's heart ... so is that the message that these films send that hurts relationships ... the grass is greener idea ... the idea that someone can come along while you're in a relationship and sweep you off your feet and that will be your happily ever after

Living With A Hoarder ...

This post I'm about to write is part of why I started an anonymous blog ... and I still don't know if I'm going to say it all in the right way ... or in a way that people will remotely understand ... but here it goes ...

Many of you that have been reading me know I live with my mother ... I've lived here for almost two years ... one of the many problems with that is that my mom is a hoarder ... she isn't at the level that the people you see on the shows are ... there aren't dead animals ... or at least there aren't any missing animals so I assume there aren't ... and she isn't accumulating more stuff by going to garage sales or digging through people's trash cans or other things you see in the extreme cases they showcase for entertainment ... but she doesn't get rid of anything ... so here we go ...

 

This is a picture of my mom's/our dining room ... the backpacks up front do belong to my children ... but obviously there is much more than that ...

The Struggle ...

I am caught in a struggle ... well several ... but the biggest of which is whether or not to stay true to myself ...

My last post provides some context for this one ... but basically I am an only child with only three cousins ... two of them are close in age and always lived very close to me ... I considered them more like siblings than cousins ... I'm sure they didn't feel that way ... but being an only child I guess that I definitely had a different point of view ...

Throughout time they have found various ways to exile me ... at my girl cousin's wedding there were reserved tables for "all the family" ... my dad (and his then girlfriend) ... sat at the head table ... by the time my ex-husband and I made it from the church to the reception hall with a four year old, two year old and five week old in tow and then made it through the receiving line ... there was no seating left in the banquet room ... and amongst

Black Sheep ...

 From my archives ... originally posted December 10, 2010 ... this blog offers context for an upcoming blog ... but also needs some itself ... in July 2010 my father evicted me from a house that he bought for me and my kids to live in post-divorce ... his reason for evicting me was that me living in that house was "bad for our relationship" ... I had to quit the job I had at the time ... move three hours away ... and into my mom's basement ... when I first moved in there I had no money ... I was reliant on her for everything ... she had a great deal of control and she exerted it ... the part of this blog that is needed for context for an upcoming blog is the part about my cousins and extended family ... but this has been a short synopsis to understand this blog ...

... so I'm going through one of those times right now where blogging is both my best friend and my worst enemy ...

I have feelings I can't explain ... feelings I can ... and then of course this blog is not anonymous .... so I have to be somewhat careful, guarded if you will, about what I say about certain situations, people, etc.,

The holidays are very hard for me for multiple reasons ... but mostly it's the pressure and the tug of war of both myself and my children .. and then I come off as uncaring and not wanting to spend time with people, which isn't true ... but I've spent a lot of time as a black sheep, and I emphasize a lot ...

I went through a phase right around my senior year of high school where I felt much the same way I do now ... but basically it comes down to this ... I play a very good black sheep from the sidelines ... so what is the purpose in joining a game, where further injury will inevitably be the only result? ... the bulk of my extended family has made it very clear