The Toxic People That Bring Us Down ...

Recently I tried to erase someone out of my life in every way that was possible to me. After I went through and deleted almost one hundred people off my Facebook page I realized I was a happier person and then finally this one person crossed a line with me for the last time. I deleted her from every aspect of my life I possibly can and I refuse to interact with her unless I absolutely have to. Amazingly, it seems like once I got rid of all that toxicity, all that negativity I felt better about life in general. ... but ... I still feel the need to do the cathartic thing and get rid of it all, so here it goes.

I have written a few blogs about the Lemon Man's aunt, mostly on my old blog, but I brought one here for back story. Then there was the whole part where she let a fourteen year old bring drugs with her to our family vacation.

But there's more to it than all that ...

The first time I knew she had burned me was a long time ago, when I first met her. This was back when the Lemon Man and I were still defining our relationship. Which as corny as it may sound, was a lot like Matthew McConaughy and Jennifer Garner in Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. It was there, it was always there, but he had things that he wasn't sure about, and honestly a single mom with three kids isn't exactly a bachelor's first choice. There was an "us" there just wasn't a defined, legal definition "us." Anyway, there was this nurse ... this nurse that took care of the Lemon Man's grandma after her horrible accident,

Letting Go ... Divorce is Hard ...

Originally posted on my "old" blog ... August 4, 2008 ... 

I am carrying so much with me, so much that I let effect me, I'm just hoping that this will be cathartic, help me to let some of it go and move on . . . I have so much going on in my life right now, so much that is expected, so much that I'm obligated for . . . a lot of stress, both good and bad stress . . . and I need to get a handle on it because I've turned into an emotional basket case - crying at the drop of the hat, or one misplaced innocent action or word from family or friends, or anyone . . . some of this is probably normal, I'm getting divorced, with this comes various stages of grief and stress and whatever else . . . right now I feel like the first and last thing I need is a shoulder to cry on, someone just to hold me and tell me that everything will be alright . . . my finances are well, not even finances . . . my dad who lives 150 miles away is going way out of his way to put gas in my car and help with my rent . . . I miss my kids like crazy when they're gone and they drive me crazy when they're here . . . certain aspects of my job leave me feeling completely unappreciated and at my worst incapable . . . I'm dealing with lawyers and doctors . . .  and I'm trying to hold my shit together for everyone in my life . . . I try not to let anyone in on the emotions . . . because first off, this is nobody's burden but my own, but also I never know the reaction I'm going to get from anyone; sympathy, anger, judgment . . . but no matter what I am countered with nobody has a full grasp of everything I am going through . . . I was asked last night if I still thought it was for the best . . . and yes, absolutely is it for the best . . . there are things that would never be ok, things my kids should never have had to deal with as long as they did, things that I need to let go of because there is no point in me carrying it with me anymore . . . and I'm working on that . . . and of course there are things I miss, as anyone would with anyone they've been with for eleven years . . . most of it is intangible, and actually completely replaceable . . . if someone ever comes along that is willing and I want to replace those things . . . stupid little things . . . a lot of it physical, because I am a touchy feely person, I have a huge desire and need for physical contact with people period not just lovers, or boyfriends, or family but everyone . . . a hug from my friends . . . my boss rubbing my back and playing with my hair . . . it's not sexual just physical . . . but yeah, I miss the stupid little things that helped to reassure me that I was/am beautiful - inside and out, loveable, worth the effort to be touched . . . and these are reassurances that I shouldn't and in all reality don't need, but they are missed and wanted and desired . . . and at some point there will be someone who will be that person to me without all the negativity that makes leaving those things all for the best . . . but as my quote said not very long ago, there's a reason that today is called the present, it is a gift, we cannot live in the past, nor predict the future and live to create it or nurture it, but rather live for today, appreciate what is here, try to ignore what isn't and go to sleep hoping that you wake up the next morning for the gift of tomorrow, but yes, worrying about tomorrow today will do nothing if you don't wake up the next morning . . . so why bother . . . .

The Struggle ...

I am caught in a struggle ... well several ... but the biggest of which is whether or not to stay true to myself ...

My last post provides some context for this one ... but basically I am an only child with only three cousins ... two of them are close in age and always lived very close to me ... I considered them more like siblings than cousins ... I'm sure they didn't feel that way ... but being an only child I guess that I definitely had a different point of view ...

Throughout time they have found various ways to exile me ... at my girl cousin's wedding there were reserved tables for "all the family" ... my dad (and his then girlfriend) ... sat at the head table ... by the time my ex-husband and I made it from the church to the reception hall with a four year old, two year old and five week old in tow and then made it through the receiving line ... there was no seating left in the banquet room ... and amongst

Being Enough ... The Thing About Being Cheated On ...

Edit: ... I think I say the word "enough" ... way more than "enough" times in this post ... =p

Recently I was out to lunch with a friend and we were talking about things from our distant and not so distant past ... and the subject of cheating came up ... kind of ... she was talking about how it felt like cheating to her when her husband had looked at internet porn ... now this is where you need to hear me out ...

I think that the thing about cheating ... is the feelings that come out of it in the long run ... there is initial anger and sadness ... the feelings that come from the betrayal ... from being lied to ... but in the long run the insecurity that is built is what will make or break a relationship ...

It's this insecurity that is relationship breaking that makes even things that seem mostly innocent an issue ... flirtatious emails, texts, phone calls ... looking at porn ... and of

Trying to Forget ...

I want to say it's a "girl" thing ... but in all honesty I don't think it is ... while I totally believe in the theory that the male and female brains are very different ... I think that the flashback is a unisex trait but more common in women than in men ... I think men require the right circumstances in order to hit that point ...

So what exactly is the "flashback" I'm referring to? ... it is the sudden onset of emotional, mental and physical reaction to something that happened a very long time ago ... something reminds you ... something triggers you ... and all of the sudden you are reliving something you would rather forget ...

Something happened in the foundation of my relationship with the lemon man, before we