Lake McConaughy ... Part Two ... My National Lampoon Vacation Continues ...

If you didn't read part one, you might want to catch up, but it's probably not necessary ... just know our first day was filled with missing, skinny dipping teenagers, broken, rented jet-skis, tornado warnings, evacuations, forest fires and setting up camp after the wind blew most of it down ...

So ... day two ... we're ready to put the "fixed" jet-ski back in the water ... and it does the same thing as before ... starts for thirty seconds and then won't start ... I think at this point if the lemon man was the crying sort, he would have been balling ... so, we get back on the phone with the rental people ... and this time he goes alone back to Ogallala to get the jet-ski looked at again ... and hopefully really fixed ...

I head back to camp where I'm left to deal with all six kids and try to entertain the other people there as well ... it wasn't really a chore to entertain people ... it was just hard ... and not at all the way it was supposed to go ...

The lemon man was gone for about six hours only to come back and tell us that the jet-ski wasn't fixable ... the cooling system was dead and the parts were going to take days to get there ... and we only had two days left of our vacation ...

That night was better ... filled with conversation and friends ... the two teenage girls were

Lake McConaughy ... The Most Wonderful, Stressful, Amazing, Horrible Vacation ... Part 1 ...

Headed off to Paradise

I don't even know where to begin ... this post is going to be long I'm afraid ... so I'll apologize up front about that ...

We embarked on a journey that was supposed to be amazing fun and relaxation a few weeks ago ... and there was some fun and relaxation ... but it was like a National Lampoon vacation ... I even asked the lemon man what karma train we pissed off ...

We were planning on leaving Thursday morning, but the lemon man wanted to leave Wednesday night ... we were thinking maybe we would stay in a hotel when we got to Ogallala, Nebraska, but that didn't work out ... when we got there the hotels were all full ... we had spent the entire day Wednesday shopping, packing the car and going to pick up the jet-ski we had rented for our trip at the lake ... we underestimated how long it would take to get there ... so as we pulled into our campsite after 11pm ... we set up camp in the dark ...

We had the two of us, my three kids, my oldest daughter's best friend, the lemon man's younger sister, who is fourteen and her best friend who was fifteen ... we were outnumbered by kids ... but I will tell you the younger they were ... the better behaved they were ... I might actually have to save some of my stories about the two teenagers for a future blog ... but needless to say ... I will not be taking them on vacation with me any time in the near future ... maybe when the

Touch ...

Have you ever taken one of those love language tests?... you know ... they ask you a bunch of questions and figure out what love language you are ... well, I have ... and I am mostly physical touch ... I have a lot of words of affirmation ... and then the rest just kind of flitter off into nothing ...

When I was getting ready to leave the hospital after my second child was born, my midwife came to me and said that I needed to be prepared for something ... she told me that never before and never again in my life would I be touched as much as I was about to be ... she warned me that my older child would want to touch me, my husband would want to touch me and of course the baby would need me to touch her ...

She apparently had never taken seven, nine and eleven year-olds on vacation ...

I love to cuddle with my kids ... I love to hold them ... and my goodness gracious was that trip to California (Disneyland, Sea World, Legoland) amazing ... but I have never, ever been

Yes, I've Been Quiet ...

Most of you know I went away to the land of Disney ... which was wonderful ... and I have a few blogs to write about it ... I came back ... went back to work ... and then worked six straight days ... took one day off ... and then worked thirteen straight days ....

I'm training someone at my job so that they have someone else who knows what to do when I'm gone ... and a little secret I have is that I often write (and read) at work ... so that has cut into my blogging ... 

My daughter is waist deep in her softball season ... I'm working on my nursing school applications ... and all of the sudden ... two years after starting The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo the first time ... and the third time I started it I managed to get past the really boring beginning and become completely enthralled in the entire series and have been spending my free time waist deep in Steig Larson ...

I have blogs upon blogs in my head .... and they will be coming ... I feel awful for not being able to catch up on all the blogs I read as well ... but should have some more time in the coming weeks ...

I miss you all :) ...

Moving ....

Originally posted on my "old" blog ... August 9, 2010 ... 

So, I'm in the process of moving ... it's a long story ... but basically I'm moving out of a house that my dad bought for me into my mom's basement ...

When I got divorced I had been a stay at home mom for 7+ years, outside of a part-time job. Nobody gets married thinking they will get divorced, nobody does ... I was actually very judgmental of people that divorced in the past, but now I am one of them, and that is somewhat guilt that I have to live with, especially for my children, but when it comes down to it now I am.

It put me in an odd place though, I didn't finish my education because of the birth of my first and my pregnancy with my second. I didn't have any solid, full-time work history, so it

The Stay At Home Mom Curse? ...

Originally posted on my "old" blog March 14, 2011 ... 

If you had asked me 5 years ago if I would ever be writing a blog like this I would have told you that you were totally and completely nuts ... if you had asked for my honest opinion 5 years ago as to whether or not being a stay-at-home mom was the better best choice for any growing family that could afford it ... I would have said ABSOFREAKINLUTELY ... and then the walls came tumbling down ...

Now before I say all this ... please don't think for a minute that I actually regret the time I spent with my children ... watching them grow ... nurturing them ... seeing every single

Black Sheep ...

 From my archives ... originally posted December 10, 2010 ... this blog offers context for an upcoming blog ... but also needs some itself ... in July 2010 my father evicted me from a house that he bought for me and my kids to live in post-divorce ... his reason for evicting me was that me living in that house was "bad for our relationship" ... I had to quit the job I had at the time ... move three hours away ... and into my mom's basement ... when I first moved in there I had no money ... I was reliant on her for everything ... she had a great deal of control and she exerted it ... the part of this blog that is needed for context for an upcoming blog is the part about my cousins and extended family ... but this has been a short synopsis to understand this blog ...

... so I'm going through one of those times right now where blogging is both my best friend and my worst enemy ...

I have feelings I can't explain ... feelings I can ... and then of course this blog is not anonymous .... so I have to be somewhat careful, guarded if you will, about what I say about certain situations, people, etc.,

The holidays are very hard for me for multiple reasons ... but mostly it's the pressure and the tug of war of both myself and my children .. and then I come off as uncaring and not wanting to spend time with people, which isn't true ... but I've spent a lot of time as a black sheep, and I emphasize a lot ...

I went through a phase right around my senior year of high school where I felt much the same way I do now ... but basically it comes down to this ... I play a very good black sheep from the sidelines ... so what is the purpose in joining a game, where further injury will inevitably be the only result? ... the bulk of my extended family has made it very clear

Scared ...

This is something I don't talk about a lot ... and it's probably something I should be talking about ... I don't feel comfortable with the subject because, quite frankly, it scares the living shit out of me ... so I don't talk about it with my closest friends ... or my family ... but for some reason ... today ... I'm going to share it with the people that read this blog ... the bulk of which are strangers ...

I think I don't talk about it because I don't think people realize how much it really scares me ... how much I avoid it ... and then I finally do say something ... and nobody responds ... leading to me posting about how it actually hurt my feelings to have no responses on Facebook about it ...

So here it goes ... my kidney is slowly failing ... I say kidney because they already took

Ummm ... Hot Tuna ...

Background context may be necessary ... so here it is ... the short version ... post-divorce I live in my mom's basement ... I work nights ... I usually do okay until about Thursday picking the kids up from school and still maintaining my sanity from exhaustion, but then it starts to get me ... but at least Thursday nights are my Friday ...

This is an example (capped off by my daughter's amazing version of "the things kids say") of the little annoyances that build up living with my mom ...

Since Monday she has been talking about making "tuna cheese dreams" for dinner ... this is basically a tuna melt with a fancy name that she decided to give it when I was a kid ... well, Monday we ate out because it was an insane day ... Tuesday we ate with and stayed at the Lemon Man's house ... Wednesday their dad took them out to dinner (per

Is it all Just Another Popularity Contest? ...

I've been thinking lately ... okay well I think all the time ... but I've been thinking lately about the world of social networking, the blogosphere, the way we use information these days ... and I know for the younger generations it's just an extension of the drama ... the bullshit ... of junior high, high school and maybe even college ... I have seen work drama unfold on Facebook ... I have seen family drama unfold on Facebook ... but I've noticed some things ...

I have a friend that has now had the same issues with different people four, five times in the last two years ... major issues ... life changing issues ... and everyone is always there to offer twenty ... thirty ... comments on her Facebook page about how sorry they are she

Moderation ...Rising Above Being a Child of an Alcoholic ...

I remember it clearly ... sitting in a meeting with my peers ... none of them I went to school with at the time ... but one I knew from church ... and all of them would eventually become schoolmates in middle school ... and when we saw each other in the hallways in the sixth grade ... we pretended we didn't know each other ... our eyes would meet ... and we would quickly look down or away ... it was a mutual shame we all felt ...

Children of Alcoholics ... COA ... we met in a small room at a counseling center in the middle of the mountain county where I grew up ... we spent an entire school year ... all of us in the fourth grade ... nine/ten years old ... talking about what it was like to grow up with an alcoholic parent ... what it was like when they were either recovering or kicked out of our houses ... and how we could avoid the same fate ...

The experience scared me ... 

**************

Probably in some blog down the line I will talk about what it was truly like living with my father up until he stopped drinking ... the abuse ... the car accidents ... the puking ... the

My Helicopter Mother is Driving me Nuts ...

A little over a year and a half ago I moved into my mom's basement ... after my dad evicted me ... it was a very hard time for me and for my kids and I am entirely grateful for her taking us in ... however ... I think she misunderstood why it was that we did move in ... or at least her actions speak to the fact that she thinks I needed much more than a roof over my head ...

This is a difficult area of contention for me ... because I know that she thinks she is trying to help ... she is well intended ... and we are in her house ... so it's hard for me to say things without sounding ungrateful ...

The problem is that she is now over-involved in my life and the lives of my kids ... she takes over meals ... she takes over laundry ... she takes over homework ... she nags me about stuff in my life ... including if I reset my alarm from 7:00 to 7:20 to get a few extra minutes of sleep ... she is either

Decisions ...

I am stressed out ... I can feel it everywhere ... and then there are the physical manifestations ... I hit a curb ... I ran a stop sign ... I almost ran a stoplight ... I forgot the code to the copy machine at work (which I have had memorized for ten months) ... I forgot little things while I was at work ... and I was only there for four hours ... I stopped for fast food ... which I have done lately, but I've been good, I'm on a grain free and dairy free diet and I've ordered things without cheese and eaten them without the bun ... today I ate the bun and the special sauce and even had a few fries and a soda ... I'm normally not a stress eater, but today apparently I am ... I'm not sleeping ... and I'm snappy ... definitely stressed out ...

But in all that stress I reached a decision ... well more like a plan ... I took everything that different friends and experts in my life had to say ... which varied greatly ... although most of the experts kept in line with each other ... so after feeling completely violated ... I decided what to do about it ...

I "confronted" my ex in an email last night ... simply asked him to explain when and why he did what he did ... he told me that he did it four years ago ... and seemed to think it