Winds Of Change ...

Sometimes patience is good. Sometimes recognizing small blessings, small miracles, the wonderful little good things in life can make all the difference.

I am having an amazing  week.

It's the little things. Last Thursday my work called and told me I would have no hours this week, I was actually okay with that because I start nursing school next week and it would give me some decompression time, but then low and behold on Sunday I was rescheduled for a forty hour week, which is also awesome because this is my last chance to work a forty hour week until the end of the semester.

Did I mention, I love my job?

I started going through my reading assignments for my nursing classes (the ones that have to be done before class starts), and it's all review information, it just feels like I'm in the right field, I'm doing the right thing, this nursing school thing is going to be okay.

I won a minor victory with my ex over a schedule conflict with my oldest daughter, which was a victory for her not me.

I was pulled over because my license plate tags were expired and the officer let me off with a no proof of insurance ticket, that can be easily taken care of. He said it was

The Welcome Mat ...

Part of my job is to set up patient rooms for the patients we have coming the next day. Without putting too much information out there, I think (for the purpose of this blog) it's important to the story to explain a little about who our patients are and where they come from.

The unit that I work on has the number one doctor in her field in the world and the hospital I work at is also a globally rated facility for the care of certain conditions. The unit I work in is particularly special because of who we treat. We treat patients that have been diagnosed with a certain, rare, strain of bacterial infections that include a few really well known (but rare) infections and some that aren't well known, but all in the same bacterial family. The idea is that the patient comes and stays for five days and in those five days they are given very thorough testing, both traditional and nontraditional, and amazing care from doctors and nurses that specialize in exactly what is wrong with them. Often they

Letting Go ... Divorce is Hard ...

Originally posted on my "old" blog ... August 4, 2008 ... 

I am carrying so much with me, so much that I let effect me, I'm just hoping that this will be cathartic, help me to let some of it go and move on . . . I have so much going on in my life right now, so much that is expected, so much that I'm obligated for . . . a lot of stress, both good and bad stress . . . and I need to get a handle on it because I've turned into an emotional basket case - crying at the drop of the hat, or one misplaced innocent action or word from family or friends, or anyone . . . some of this is probably normal, I'm getting divorced, with this comes various stages of grief and stress and whatever else . . . right now I feel like the first and last thing I need is a shoulder to cry on, someone just to hold me and tell me that everything will be alright . . . my finances are well, not even finances . . . my dad who lives 150 miles away is going way out of his way to put gas in my car and help with my rent . . . I miss my kids like crazy when they're gone and they drive me crazy when they're here . . . certain aspects of my job leave me feeling completely unappreciated and at my worst incapable . . . I'm dealing with lawyers and doctors . . .  and I'm trying to hold my shit together for everyone in my life . . . I try not to let anyone in on the emotions . . . because first off, this is nobody's burden but my own, but also I never know the reaction I'm going to get from anyone; sympathy, anger, judgment . . . but no matter what I am countered with nobody has a full grasp of everything I am going through . . . I was asked last night if I still thought it was for the best . . . and yes, absolutely is it for the best . . . there are things that would never be ok, things my kids should never have had to deal with as long as they did, things that I need to let go of because there is no point in me carrying it with me anymore . . . and I'm working on that . . . and of course there are things I miss, as anyone would with anyone they've been with for eleven years . . . most of it is intangible, and actually completely replaceable . . . if someone ever comes along that is willing and I want to replace those things . . . stupid little things . . . a lot of it physical, because I am a touchy feely person, I have a huge desire and need for physical contact with people period not just lovers, or boyfriends, or family but everyone . . . a hug from my friends . . . my boss rubbing my back and playing with my hair . . . it's not sexual just physical . . . but yeah, I miss the stupid little things that helped to reassure me that I was/am beautiful - inside and out, loveable, worth the effort to be touched . . . and these are reassurances that I shouldn't and in all reality don't need, but they are missed and wanted and desired . . . and at some point there will be someone who will be that person to me without all the negativity that makes leaving those things all for the best . . . but as my quote said not very long ago, there's a reason that today is called the present, it is a gift, we cannot live in the past, nor predict the future and live to create it or nurture it, but rather live for today, appreciate what is here, try to ignore what isn't and go to sleep hoping that you wake up the next morning for the gift of tomorrow, but yes, worrying about tomorrow today will do nothing if you don't wake up the next morning . . . so why bother . . . .

Moving ....

Originally posted on my "old" blog ... August 9, 2010 ... 

So, I'm in the process of moving ... it's a long story ... but basically I'm moving out of a house that my dad bought for me into my mom's basement ...

When I got divorced I had been a stay at home mom for 7+ years, outside of a part-time job. Nobody gets married thinking they will get divorced, nobody does ... I was actually very judgmental of people that divorced in the past, but now I am one of them, and that is somewhat guilt that I have to live with, especially for my children, but when it comes down to it now I am.

It put me in an odd place though, I didn't finish my education because of the birth of my first and my pregnancy with my second. I didn't have any solid, full-time work history, so it

The Stay At Home Mom Curse? ...

Originally posted on my "old" blog March 14, 2011 ... 

If you had asked me 5 years ago if I would ever be writing a blog like this I would have told you that you were totally and completely nuts ... if you had asked for my honest opinion 5 years ago as to whether or not being a stay-at-home mom was the better best choice for any growing family that could afford it ... I would have said ABSOFREAKINLUTELY ... and then the walls came tumbling down ...

Now before I say all this ... please don't think for a minute that I actually regret the time I spent with my children ... watching them grow ... nurturing them ... seeing every single

Negativity & Misery ....

This post was absolutely inspired by Robin and her post Misery Loves Company ...

This is something I have actually contemplated a lot ... when I am most inspired to write it's when something has me fired up ... emotional ... angry, sad, frustrated ... whatever it is the negative emotions drive me to write ...

I often wonder if people who read my blogs think I am this crazy, pessimistic, negative person ... because I'm really not (really ... I swear ... I don't spend my whole life bitching about my living situation or my friends or family) ... I am blessed ... I am blessed that I had a mother who could and did take me and my kids in to her home ... I am blessed that I never have to wonder where a meal is coming from ... I am blessed to have an amazing man in my life ... and those three rugrats that I pushed out of my vagina ... yeah ... I like them too ... I am healthy now ... that is a blessing ... I have a job (not one that pays enough to move out ... but I do have one) ... I'm in school, finished my prerequisites and I get to apply for nursing school ... I am an

Why I Actually Like Working the Night Shift ... And Why it Works For My Family ...

People tell me all the time I'm crazy ...

Maybe that doesn't have anything to do with my shift though ... but we'll pretend it does ...

I've always been a night person ... I've always detested alarm clocks ... and I've always, always had insomnia ... that alone explains part of why I like working nights ... my current shift is midnight-7am Monday thru Thursday nights and then 7pm - 7am Sundays ... although my position is PRN (basically on call so a lot of weeks I don't work all those nights) ...

But ... the main reason I work nights ... the reason I seek out night shifts ... is that it is

Ummm ... Hot Tuna ...

Background context may be necessary ... so here it is ... the short version ... post-divorce I live in my mom's basement ... I work nights ... I usually do okay until about Thursday picking the kids up from school and still maintaining my sanity from exhaustion, but then it starts to get me ... but at least Thursday nights are my Friday ...

This is an example (capped off by my daughter's amazing version of "the things kids say") of the little annoyances that build up living with my mom ...

Since Monday she has been talking about making "tuna cheese dreams" for dinner ... this is basically a tuna melt with a fancy name that she decided to give it when I was a kid ... well, Monday we ate out because it was an insane day ... Tuesday we ate with and stayed at the Lemon Man's house ... Wednesday their dad took them out to dinner (per

Relief ...

I work in a field that some nurses and healthcare workers are afraid to work in ... I work with the people society rejects ... sometimes those that the CDC puts in quarantine ... I work with people who have infectious diseases ... mostly non-tuberculosis mycobacterial infections (in other words bacteria that pretend to be tuberculosis) ... but I also work with people that have tuberculosis ... people that are HIV+ and those that have full blown AIDS ... patients that have Hep C and C Diff and a whole slew of other things the public has never heard of ... I work with people that have MRSA that can't be stopped ...

I hate what society does to these people ... I hate the lack of education that the general public has ... and I don't hate a lot of things ... but still I find this weakness in myself ....

I know ... logically ... I know that I take every precaution, follow every rule (and still do my best to make sure that the patients still feel a human connection) ... I do everything to protect myself ... yet every four months when I come up for testing ... I am always relieved to get the negative results ... despite knowing I was never at risk ... to see the negative TB test ... I can breathe easier for a while ... the silver lining of course is that it always is negative ...

Cutting the Cord ...

I am still getting used to not having my kids with me ... the breaks can be nice ... but it's hard sometimes because since I've had them I've almost always been the sole person in their lives that was constant ... and in many ways I still am ...

For the first seven years I was a mother I was a stay-at-home mom ... so I was with them constantly ... I basically continued as such after my ex and I separated four years ago ... only I got a few breaks here and there ... some weekends ... some weeks ... and then I moved and the only time they were away from me was every other weekend ... which wasn't enough time to miss them really ... unless

What I Meant to Say Was ...

So ... when you decided to be a total and complete asshole and comment on my status on Facebook ... I responded ... but in a nice way ...

I'm glad that you decided that my completely innocent post that had nothing to do with you or your job became your place to decide that you would throw out your superiority ... your casting of inferiority on the rest of the American population ...

Don't get me wrong ... I'm thankful for what you do ... freedom isn't free and men and women that are all over the world doing it are all deserving of thanks and honor ... and you are far from my only friend that is currently doing it ... far from the only person I know that has been there ... and definitely not the one with the worst story to tell ...

What I meant to say when I commented back was ...

It's a good thing you and your family never needed help from us inferior healthcare workers

Decisions ...

I am stressed out ... I can feel it everywhere ... and then there are the physical manifestations ... I hit a curb ... I ran a stop sign ... I almost ran a stoplight ... I forgot the code to the copy machine at work (which I have had memorized for ten months) ... I forgot little things while I was at work ... and I was only there for four hours ... I stopped for fast food ... which I have done lately, but I've been good, I'm on a grain free and dairy free diet and I've ordered things without cheese and eaten them without the bun ... today I ate the bun and the special sauce and even had a few fries and a soda ... I'm normally not a stress eater, but today apparently I am ... I'm not sleeping ... and I'm snappy ... definitely stressed out ...

But in all that stress I reached a decision ... well more like a plan ... I took everything that different friends and experts in my life had to say ... which varied greatly ... although most of the experts kept in line with each other ... so after feeling completely violated ... I decided what to do about it ...

I "confronted" my ex in an email last night ... simply asked him to explain when and why he did what he did ... he told me that he did it four years ago ... and seemed to think it

Anonymity ... An Introduction ...

I decided to start a new blog ... where anonymity makes it possible for me to write anything I want to write ... my lemon man (that's what I'm calling my boyfriend here for now) pointed out that in order for this to be truly anonymous I shouldn't tell anyone it's here ... and I understand his point, but at the same time there are people in my life I trust implicitly ... and I think they need to be part of this as well ...

I will hopefully be blogging enough that any readers I gain will learn through the course of my writing who I am and where I come from ... but I will say a few things to start with ... I married young ... had children young ... two girls ... and a boy ... their father and I separated just shy of our nine year anniversary ... and I feel like I've been handed a lot of lemons since then ... I was a stay at home mom ... I had a