Originally posted on my "old" blog ... August 4, 2008 ...
I am carrying so much with me, so much that I let effect me, I'm just
hoping that this will be cathartic, help me to let some of it go and
move on . . . I have so much going on in my life right now, so much that
is expected, so much that I'm obligated for . . . a lot of stress,
both good and bad stress . . . and I need to get a handle on it because
I've turned into an emotional basket case - crying at the drop of the
hat, or one misplaced innocent action or word from family or friends,
or anyone . . . some of this is probably normal, I'm getting
divorced, with this comes various stages of grief and stress and
whatever else . . . right now I feel like the first and last thing I
need is a shoulder to cry on, someone just to hold me and tell me that
everything will be alright . . . my finances are well, not even
finances . . . my dad who lives 150 miles away is going way out of his
way to put gas in my car and help with my rent . . . I miss my kids
like crazy when they're gone and they drive me crazy when they're here
. . . certain aspects of my job leave me feeling completely
unappreciated and at my worst incapable . . . I'm dealing with lawyers
and doctors . . . and I'm trying to hold my shit together for
everyone in my life . . . I try not to let anyone in on the emotions .
. . because first off, this is nobody's burden but my own, but also I
never know
the reaction I'm going to get from anyone;
sympathy, anger, judgment . . . but no matter what I am countered with
nobody has a full grasp of everything I am going through . . . I was
asked last night if I still thought it was for the best . . . and yes,
absolutely is it for the best . . . there are things that would never
be ok, things my kids should never have had to deal with as long as
they did, things that I need to let go of because there is no point in
me carrying it with me anymore . . . and I'm working on that . . .
and of course there are things I miss, as anyone would with anyone
they've been with for eleven years . . . most of it is intangible, and
actually completely replaceable . . . if someone ever comes along that
is willing and I want to replace those things . . . stupid little
things . . . a lot of it physical, because I am a touchy feely person, I
have a huge desire and need for physical contact with people period
not just lovers, or boyfriends, or family but everyone . . . a hug from
my friends . . . my boss rubbing my back and playing with my hair . .
. it's not sexual just physical . . . but yeah, I miss the stupid
little things that helped to reassure me that I was/am beautiful -
inside and out, loveable, worth the effort to be touched . . . and
these are reassurances that I shouldn't and in all reality don't need,
but they are missed and wanted and desired . . . and at some point
there will be someone who will be that person to me without all the
negativity that makes leaving those things all for the best . . . but
as my quote said not very long ago, there's a reason that today is
called the present, it is a gift, we cannot live in the past, nor
predict the future and live to create it or nurture it, but rather
live for today, appreciate what is here, try to ignore what isn't and
go to sleep hoping that you wake up the next morning for the gift of
tomorrow, but yes, worrying about tomorrow today will do nothing if
you don't wake up the next morning . . . so why bother . . . .
This is either a subject people know about and understand or they don't
... at least to start with ... but maybe those that don't will
understand ... at least a little ... after reading this ....
