Dancing in the Rain ...

Originally posted on my "old" blog ... September 9, 2009 ... 

So, a while back, someone posted one of those pictures on my wall that says "life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." In the last few weeks, the very deep meaning of that has come to light for me.

Life will let you down, people will let you down, things will happen that you never dreamed would. You will find out that people you thought you knew aren't the people you thought they were, or maybe even your instincts and bad feelings about people or situations were right, and things you hoped weren't true, will turn out to be true. You will lose your car keys, your kids will do things like color on the couch ... random people will try to make you feel bad, to feel sad, to make you cry ... because apparently nobody ever taught them

Letting Go ... Divorce is Hard ...

Originally posted on my "old" blog ... August 4, 2008 ... 

I am carrying so much with me, so much that I let effect me, I'm just hoping that this will be cathartic, help me to let some of it go and move on . . . I have so much going on in my life right now, so much that is expected, so much that I'm obligated for . . . a lot of stress, both good and bad stress . . . and I need to get a handle on it because I've turned into an emotional basket case - crying at the drop of the hat, or one misplaced innocent action or word from family or friends, or anyone . . . some of this is probably normal, I'm getting divorced, with this comes various stages of grief and stress and whatever else . . . right now I feel like the first and last thing I need is a shoulder to cry on, someone just to hold me and tell me that everything will be alright . . . my finances are well, not even finances . . . my dad who lives 150 miles away is going way out of his way to put gas in my car and help with my rent . . . I miss my kids like crazy when they're gone and they drive me crazy when they're here . . . certain aspects of my job leave me feeling completely unappreciated and at my worst incapable . . . I'm dealing with lawyers and doctors . . .  and I'm trying to hold my shit together for everyone in my life . . . I try not to let anyone in on the emotions . . . because first off, this is nobody's burden but my own, but also I never know the reaction I'm going to get from anyone; sympathy, anger, judgment . . . but no matter what I am countered with nobody has a full grasp of everything I am going through . . . I was asked last night if I still thought it was for the best . . . and yes, absolutely is it for the best . . . there are things that would never be ok, things my kids should never have had to deal with as long as they did, things that I need to let go of because there is no point in me carrying it with me anymore . . . and I'm working on that . . . and of course there are things I miss, as anyone would with anyone they've been with for eleven years . . . most of it is intangible, and actually completely replaceable . . . if someone ever comes along that is willing and I want to replace those things . . . stupid little things . . . a lot of it physical, because I am a touchy feely person, I have a huge desire and need for physical contact with people period not just lovers, or boyfriends, or family but everyone . . . a hug from my friends . . . my boss rubbing my back and playing with my hair . . . it's not sexual just physical . . . but yeah, I miss the stupid little things that helped to reassure me that I was/am beautiful - inside and out, loveable, worth the effort to be touched . . . and these are reassurances that I shouldn't and in all reality don't need, but they are missed and wanted and desired . . . and at some point there will be someone who will be that person to me without all the negativity that makes leaving those things all for the best . . . but as my quote said not very long ago, there's a reason that today is called the present, it is a gift, we cannot live in the past, nor predict the future and live to create it or nurture it, but rather live for today, appreciate what is here, try to ignore what isn't and go to sleep hoping that you wake up the next morning for the gift of tomorrow, but yes, worrying about tomorrow today will do nothing if you don't wake up the next morning . . . so why bother . . . .

I Want You to Want to do the Dishes ...

 Originally posted on my "old" blog ... August 15, 2010

So, this is a blog post that I have been writing in my head for years (that's my way of saying don't take this as a slam on the current man in my life ♥) ... but it seems to be an ongoing theme in my relationships with men and in those of my friends with their significant others. I have heard it reversed and I will get to that as well!

So, let's start with that line; "I want you to want to do the dishes" ... for those of you that don't know where that line is from, it is from the movie, The Break-up Jennifer Aniston's character says it to Vince Vaughn's character after a party has occurred at their house and he sits down to play video games while she is in the kitchen doing the dishes. She of course is angry, she wants his help, he responds and says basically fine, I'll come help, she says something like I don't want you to do it because I'm asking you to, and then says "I want you to want to do the dishes" ... he of course finds this ridiculous, stating, "who would want to do the dishes?"

Unfortunately, the metaphor in all that is one that most women know very well, and some

Unrealistic Expectations ... Are Movies Ruining Relationships? ...

 Originally posted on my "old" blog ... October 4, 2010 ... 

There was a study I heard about on the radio several years ago that touched on this ... and now here is another one that came out a few months ago ... with this news report of a study headed by Dr. Gabrielle Morrissey .. has brought it to headlines again ... and then anyone that has been familiar with MySpace/Facebook or the bumper sticker bulletin boards has probably at some point seen a sticker or icon that resembled the one to the right ...this is actually something I have given a lot of thought to lately, although not in the terms that the studies imply, I have a little different take ... but it's related in many ways ...

So the studies say that our romantic comedies and chick flicks create unrealistic expectations for romantic grandeur and communication and even sex ... that we then have this idea of how a relationship should be based on the romance involved in movies such as Notting Hill, Runaway Bride, You've Got Mail, The Wedding Planner & While You Were Sleeping ... just to name a few that are listed in the news reports and studies ... and I will preface all of what I'm about to say that those listed above and the rest of the movies that I will list are among some of my favorite movies and I appreciate a chick flick and romantic comedy as much as anyone else ... but now here is my take ...

These amazingly romantic movies ... the ones we watch and cry and sigh and wish that our lives, our relationships could just be that terribly romantic ... almost all of them ... involve cheating on some level and the hero or heroine breaking somebody's heart ... so is that the message that these films send that hurts relationships ... the grass is greener idea ... the idea that someone can come along while you're in a relationship and sweep you off your feet and that will be your happily ever after

The Stay At Home Mom Curse? ...

Originally posted on my "old" blog March 14, 2011 ... 

If you had asked me 5 years ago if I would ever be writing a blog like this I would have told you that you were totally and completely nuts ... if you had asked for my honest opinion 5 years ago as to whether or not being a stay-at-home mom was the better best choice for any growing family that could afford it ... I would have said ABSOFREAKINLUTELY ... and then the walls came tumbling down ...

Now before I say all this ... please don't think for a minute that I actually regret the time I spent with my children ... watching them grow ... nurturing them ... seeing every single

The Stepparent Errr ... Issues ... ??? ...

Okay, so this is going to be a hard post for me to write ... but I feel like I need to write it ... my lemon man is basically a stepparent ... two of my most faithful readers are stepparents ... so I am going to do my best to not be offending or disrespectful in any way ... and I am also going to say up front that my situation may be very different from other people's ... and other moms and dads may feel very differently than I do ... okay ... so that's my disclaimer ...

My kids have a new stepmom ... that's okay ... that I can deal with ... not a big deal ... for a long time through my ex's and her engagement we got along perfectly ... things were going well ... I figured she would be easy to co-parent with ... until the first issue actually came up ... my oldest daughter hadn't completed any of her homework the first month that they had custody of her ...

So, I emailed my ex ... and I could tell that there was some influence from someone else in his responses ... and these conversations are difficult ... it's hard when someone is

Flinching & Cringing ...

I kind of expected ... correction ... I always expected it ... but I remember the first time it actually happened ...

I was at a school function with my younger daughter ... it was a field trip ... and the kids were outside doing their thing ... eating lunch ...

Another mom who was chaperoning started making small talk with me ... little questions here and there ... and then there it was "what does your husband do?" ...

"Well, I'm divorced, but he's a drafter" .... "Oh, I'm so sorry" ...

And then she turned and WALKED AWAY ... she walked away ...

Maybe she was embarrassed by the fact that she asked the question ... maybe she didn't know how to respond ... but she, in that moment, symbolized all my fears about telling

Finality ... The Sense of Being Reborn ...

“I think it happens to everyone as they grow up. You find out who you are and what you want, and then you realize that people you've known forever don't see things the way you do. And so you keep the wonderful memories, but find yourself moving on.”   ~ Nicholas Sparks

My ex is now married to someone else ... I've had people come to me with condolences ... worried about how I'm doing ... and really ... I don't care all that much ... and the part of me that does care ... is extremely glad and relieved ...

His marriage gives me a sense of finality and closure that I didn't have before ... when I first found out he was engaged my first thought was "thank God, because now if I do it I won't be the bad guy" ...

Maybe that sounds cold and uncaring to some people ... but they haven't walked in my shoes ... it amuses me because less than a week before his wedding he told me that I needed to "move on and worry about (my)self" ... I moved on long before he did ...

I remember standing in a parking lot after exchanging the kids and he was yelling at me about finding girls that were hotter than me ... telling me that he could have them ... I

The Kindness of Strangers ...

An event occurred the other night that I don't think many people experience ... it was a normal evening ... the lemon man and I waited around for his brother to come home so that we could leave his grandpa in good hands and head off to the store to buy some necessary items ... on the way home debated stopping for food ... we decided we would and then we debated where ... and we decided on the good old golden arches ...

Before we pulled in we saw that there was a girl standing at the drive-thru window ... anyone who has ever been a teenager without a car anywhere near a drive-thru knows that 99% of the time they don't let you do that ... so we found that kind of odd ... we went to give them our order ... and their computers were down so it took forever ... and while we

Cutting the Cord ...

I am still getting used to not having my kids with me ... the breaks can be nice ... but it's hard sometimes because since I've had them I've almost always been the sole person in their lives that was constant ... and in many ways I still am ...

For the first seven years I was a mother I was a stay-at-home mom ... so I was with them constantly ... I basically continued as such after my ex and I separated four years ago ... only I got a few breaks here and there ... some weekends ... some weeks ... and then I moved and the only time they were away from me was every other weekend ... which wasn't enough time to miss them really ... unless

Flat Tire at 2am Friends ...

There are different kinds of friends in this world ... there are acquaintances and people we call "friends" even though we would never have anything to do with them if they weren't a friend or relative of someone else ... there are the friends we turn to in times of emotional crisis ... and the friends that we hang out with in different ways ... some friends are good to party it up ... others for a nice quiet cup of coffee ... we develop different relationships with different kinds of friends ... and I love and respect all my different friends ...

That being said ... there is a brand of friend that the lemon man and I often talk about ... the "flat tire at 2am friends" ... these are the friends that you know will be there for you in an instant ... no matter what is going on ... no matter what time of day it is ... and you

Broken Hearted ...

This was a blog that was coming regardless of the events of my last few days ... but it's also one of the reasons I decided I needed to move to this blog ...

It breaks my heart when I drop off my kids with their dad and/or soon-to-be step-mom and my son begs not to go ... my daughters (mostly the younger one) fight me as well ... but they don't do it in front of their dad or step-mom ... my son does ... and it's getting worse ...

Today I dropped them off ... my ex wasn't there ... so it was just their step-mom ... my son clung to me ... he cried ... he said he didn't want to go ... he wanted to go home with

Decisions ...

I am stressed out ... I can feel it everywhere ... and then there are the physical manifestations ... I hit a curb ... I ran a stop sign ... I almost ran a stoplight ... I forgot the code to the copy machine at work (which I have had memorized for ten months) ... I forgot little things while I was at work ... and I was only there for four hours ... I stopped for fast food ... which I have done lately, but I've been good, I'm on a grain free and dairy free diet and I've ordered things without cheese and eaten them without the bun ... today I ate the bun and the special sauce and even had a few fries and a soda ... I'm normally not a stress eater, but today apparently I am ... I'm not sleeping ... and I'm snappy ... definitely stressed out ...

But in all that stress I reached a decision ... well more like a plan ... I took everything that different friends and experts in my life had to say ... which varied greatly ... although most of the experts kept in line with each other ... so after feeling completely violated ... I decided what to do about it ...

I "confronted" my ex in an email last night ... simply asked him to explain when and why he did what he did ... he told me that he did it four years ago ... and seemed to think it

Violated ...

I'm hoping that writing this down will get it out of my mind so I can focus on what I need to do ... homework ... a lot of it ... all due tomorrow ... but I'm scared ...

I'm unbelievably, horribly, awfully and completely fucking scared ... probably the most scared I've been in maybe my whole life ...

I came home today after being mostly gone from my house (aka my hole in my mom's basement) for basically three weeks with a few exceptions to feed cats and check on some things ... I've been at the lemon man's house ... I went over and put some stuff down on my bed and looked up at the mirror ...

I could see it clearly ... but I couldn't read it ... I could read "was here" .. but that's it ... but from the far side of the bed ... reflected in the mirror ... something was clearly carved in the side of my bed ... I knew it hadn't been there before ... so I walked around to read it ... and there clear as day was "(insert ex's name here) was here 99-08" ... my instinct was to rub it ... something I regret now as fingerprints will probably be taken ...

I called the lemon man ... I begged him to tell me it was some kind of practical joke he played on me ... he assured me it wasn't ... I went and told my mom ... I questioned my

Anonymity ... An Introduction ...

I decided to start a new blog ... where anonymity makes it possible for me to write anything I want to write ... my lemon man (that's what I'm calling my boyfriend here for now) pointed out that in order for this to be truly anonymous I shouldn't tell anyone it's here ... and I understand his point, but at the same time there are people in my life I trust implicitly ... and I think they need to be part of this as well ...

I will hopefully be blogging enough that any readers I gain will learn through the course of my writing who I am and where I come from ... but I will say a few things to start with ... I married young ... had children young ... two girls ... and a boy ... their father and I separated just shy of our nine year anniversary ... and I feel like I've been handed a lot of lemons since then ... I was a stay at home mom ... I had a