Scared ...

This is something I don't talk about a lot ... and it's probably something I should be talking about ... I don't feel comfortable with the subject because, quite frankly, it scares the living shit out of me ... so I don't talk about it with my closest friends ... or my family ... but for some reason ... today ... I'm going to share it with the people that read this blog ... the bulk of which are strangers ...

I think I don't talk about it because I don't think people realize how much it really scares me ... how much I avoid it ... and then I finally do say something ... and nobody responds ... leading to me posting about how it actually hurt my feelings to have no responses on Facebook about it ...

So here it goes ... my kidney is slowly failing ... I say kidney because they already took

Being Enough ... The Thing About Being Cheated On ...

Edit: ... I think I say the word "enough" ... way more than "enough" times in this post ... =p

Recently I was out to lunch with a friend and we were talking about things from our distant and not so distant past ... and the subject of cheating came up ... kind of ... she was talking about how it felt like cheating to her when her husband had looked at internet porn ... now this is where you need to hear me out ...

I think that the thing about cheating ... is the feelings that come out of it in the long run ... there is initial anger and sadness ... the feelings that come from the betrayal ... from being lied to ... but in the long run the insecurity that is built is what will make or break a relationship ...

It's this insecurity that is relationship breaking that makes even things that seem mostly innocent an issue ... flirtatious emails, texts, phone calls ... looking at porn ... and of

Moderation ...Rising Above Being a Child of an Alcoholic ...

I remember it clearly ... sitting in a meeting with my peers ... none of them I went to school with at the time ... but one I knew from church ... and all of them would eventually become schoolmates in middle school ... and when we saw each other in the hallways in the sixth grade ... we pretended we didn't know each other ... our eyes would meet ... and we would quickly look down or away ... it was a mutual shame we all felt ...

Children of Alcoholics ... COA ... we met in a small room at a counseling center in the middle of the mountain county where I grew up ... we spent an entire school year ... all of us in the fourth grade ... nine/ten years old ... talking about what it was like to grow up with an alcoholic parent ... what it was like when they were either recovering or kicked out of our houses ... and how we could avoid the same fate ...

The experience scared me ... 

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Probably in some blog down the line I will talk about what it was truly like living with my father up until he stopped drinking ... the abuse ... the car accidents ... the puking ... the

Finality ... The Sense of Being Reborn ...

“I think it happens to everyone as they grow up. You find out who you are and what you want, and then you realize that people you've known forever don't see things the way you do. And so you keep the wonderful memories, but find yourself moving on.”   ~ Nicholas Sparks

My ex is now married to someone else ... I've had people come to me with condolences ... worried about how I'm doing ... and really ... I don't care all that much ... and the part of me that does care ... is extremely glad and relieved ...

His marriage gives me a sense of finality and closure that I didn't have before ... when I first found out he was engaged my first thought was "thank God, because now if I do it I won't be the bad guy" ...

Maybe that sounds cold and uncaring to some people ... but they haven't walked in my shoes ... it amuses me because less than a week before his wedding he told me that I needed to "move on and worry about (my)self" ... I moved on long before he did ...

I remember standing in a parking lot after exchanging the kids and he was yelling at me about finding girls that were hotter than me ... telling me that he could have them ... I

Decisions ...

I am stressed out ... I can feel it everywhere ... and then there are the physical manifestations ... I hit a curb ... I ran a stop sign ... I almost ran a stoplight ... I forgot the code to the copy machine at work (which I have had memorized for ten months) ... I forgot little things while I was at work ... and I was only there for four hours ... I stopped for fast food ... which I have done lately, but I've been good, I'm on a grain free and dairy free diet and I've ordered things without cheese and eaten them without the bun ... today I ate the bun and the special sauce and even had a few fries and a soda ... I'm normally not a stress eater, but today apparently I am ... I'm not sleeping ... and I'm snappy ... definitely stressed out ...

But in all that stress I reached a decision ... well more like a plan ... I took everything that different friends and experts in my life had to say ... which varied greatly ... although most of the experts kept in line with each other ... so after feeling completely violated ... I decided what to do about it ...

I "confronted" my ex in an email last night ... simply asked him to explain when and why he did what he did ... he told me that he did it four years ago ... and seemed to think it

Violated ...

I'm hoping that writing this down will get it out of my mind so I can focus on what I need to do ... homework ... a lot of it ... all due tomorrow ... but I'm scared ...

I'm unbelievably, horribly, awfully and completely fucking scared ... probably the most scared I've been in maybe my whole life ...

I came home today after being mostly gone from my house (aka my hole in my mom's basement) for basically three weeks with a few exceptions to feed cats and check on some things ... I've been at the lemon man's house ... I went over and put some stuff down on my bed and looked up at the mirror ...

I could see it clearly ... but I couldn't read it ... I could read "was here" .. but that's it ... but from the far side of the bed ... reflected in the mirror ... something was clearly carved in the side of my bed ... I knew it hadn't been there before ... so I walked around to read it ... and there clear as day was "(insert ex's name here) was here 99-08" ... my instinct was to rub it ... something I regret now as fingerprints will probably be taken ...

I called the lemon man ... I begged him to tell me it was some kind of practical joke he played on me ... he assured me it wasn't ... I went and told my mom ... I questioned my