The Stepparent Errr ... Issues ... ??? ...

Okay, so this is going to be a hard post for me to write ... but I feel like I need to write it ... my lemon man is basically a stepparent ... two of my most faithful readers are stepparents ... so I am going to do my best to not be offending or disrespectful in any way ... and I am also going to say up front that my situation may be very different from other people's ... and other moms and dads may feel very differently than I do ... okay ... so that's my disclaimer ...

My kids have a new stepmom ... that's okay ... that I can deal with ... not a big deal ... for a long time through my ex's and her engagement we got along perfectly ... things were going well ... I figured she would be easy to co-parent with ... until the first issue actually came up ... my oldest daughter hadn't completed any of her homework the first month that they had custody of her ...

So, I emailed my ex ... and I could tell that there was some influence from someone else in his responses ... and these conversations are difficult ... it's hard when someone is
basically telling you that you're doing something wrong to not take it personally ... God knows I would take it personally ... but after that something changed ....

We had parent teacher conferences soon after ... she came ... which I thought was odd ... I had purposely never taken the lemon man to any of those things if my ex was going to be there, because I guess I figure if their dad and their mom are there ... other people don't need to be there ... and there were also requests made by my ex about the level of the lemon man's involvement in such things ... so I found it odd when (for a lack of a better way of putting it) he broke his own "rules" ... but she was there nonetheless ... and then it was just like she was trying too hard ... every positive thing that the teachers had to say she would turn to whichever child and say "good job" ... even to the extent that she was interrupting the teachers ... and then I started noticing other things ... without giving a million little examples ... it all of the sudden felt very much like she was trying to compete with me ...

The notion literally made me smile ... almost laugh ... I want to say to her "oh, honey, this is no competition ... I am their mother, their mommy ... I carried them inside me ... I was their primary caregiver for most of their lives ... I have been there their entire lives ... you have been there for two years ... there is no magic wand that you can wave that will make me go away" ...

The kids noticed this too ... my younger daughter even said "she's trying to be you and it makes me mad" ....

I don't mind her taking some ownership of the kids ... she is married to their dad after all ... she should take some ownership of the kids ... but there seems to be some line that she is trying to cross that is rubbing both the kids and me the wrong way ...

She refers to them as "my kids" ... and I know other stepparents that do this ... and it doesn't bother me when other people do it ... but, when someone is saying about MY kids ... it bugs me ... and it bugs the kids too ... since she has a daughter of her own if she said "our kids" or "(insert ex's name)'s and my kids" ... I can live with that ... but when it comes down to it ... they aren't her kids ... they are her stepkids ... she can call them that all day long ... but they aren't her kids ... and maybe that is harsh ... but it's how I feel ... and part of that comes from being a stepchild ... not once did I ever consider one of my stepmother figures actually a mom ... not once did I even remotely want them to say I was "their" child ... and maybe I have issues that stem back to my own parents' divorce ... but it truly bugs me ... there also is part of me that wonders how my ex would react if the lemon man started referring to them as "my kids" ... because I have a suspicion that he wouldn't react to that well at all ... based on previous events & complaints ...

I received a text the other morning from my ex stating that one of our children was being very disrespectful toward the stepmom ... and he wanted me to talk to said child about that ... I talked to her ... she told me about some things that happened and my reaction was really "that's it?" ... because they weren't all that bad ... I want to tell the stepmom she probably needs to just grow a thicker skin, but I don't know how to say that nicely ... and I don't want to say it anyway but nicely ... in all honesty I'm not surprised they're having issues with disrespect ... we are not far away from having two teenage girls ... and although I would never encourage it ... I know that one of the two of them will utter the words "you're not my fucking mom" ... the reason I know this is that almost everybody I know who had a stepmom or stepdad as a teenager uttered those words at least once ... including me ... including the lemon man ... including my ex ... and countless friends ... 

The older the kids get ... the more she forces herself on them ... the more my ex forces her on them ... the more resistance they are going to get ... one of my kids (despite her young age) very much believes that respect has to be earned ... it can't be forced ...

I feel like I'm not expressing things right in this blog ... because there are so many little examples ... so many small things that add up to make a bigger picture ...

I'm kind of surprised by some of the things that have taken place because my ex has such an attitude about the lemon man ... about his own stepmother ... about his own half-sister ... it just surprises me that he doesn't see the hypocrisy in all of it ...

That all being said ... I think that if she backed off and was just natural about it ... the way she was before the homework fiasco ... I think things would be better all the way around ... co-parenting between my ex and me would be easier ... her dealings with the kids would be easier ... she is a very nice person ... and (surprise, surprise) a lot like me in a lot of ways ... she has potential to be an amazing partner in parenting ... an amazing resource for my children ...

I try to put myself in her shoes ... but I can't ... and I am very aware that of the four "parents" in my kids' lives ... I am the only one that isn't a stepparent ... and I don't have the ability to relate to the situation from that point of view ... my ex has it slightly different too because his stepdaughter's dad is completely out of the picture ... and I think that in cases where parents are uninvolved or just genuinely bad parents ... the need for a stepparent to take over becomes larger ... but when both parents are fully involved ... a stepparent becomes basically an extra person in the village ... and the older the kids are when that stepparent is introduced, the more true that is ... I mean my dad started dating when I was sixteen ... I definitely didn't need another "mom" then ...

I don't mind that she is in my kids' lives ... in fact ... I'm glad that there is a female influence at my ex's house to help brush hair and paint nails and deal with girl things that my kids will need over time ... I want her to be respected ... to be listened to ... the very last thing I want is for her to be a hated or evil stepmother in my kids' eyes ... I just wish that there was a way I could tell her about how my kids react to things and what they're thinking and feeling ... and help her to earn their respect ... I want her and my ex to succeed in blending the families ... and I don't just want that for their sake ... I want it for my kids' sake ... I want them to have a peaceful home ... and although I am fairly certain those words "you're not my fucking mom" will come out of their mouths ... I sincerely hope they don't ...

I think really all the problems come down to the fact that she is trying too hard ... it isn't natural ... and I know it can't be easy to go from having one kid to having four ... especially when you didn't see those kids go from itty bitty baby and grow up from there ... I'm sure she loves them ... I'm sure she cares about them ... I'm sure she wants what is best for them ... but I just wish she could do it in a less forceful way ... because I don't want the kids to be worried about it ... or to have bad feelings about it ... I know perfection isn't possible ... but something better than where we are now is ...