Trying to Forget ...

I want to say it's a "girl" thing ... but in all honesty I don't think it is ... while I totally believe in the theory that the male and female brains are very different ... I think that the flashback is a unisex trait but more common in women than in men ... I think men require the right circumstances in order to hit that point ...

So what exactly is the "flashback" I'm referring to? ... it is the sudden onset of emotional, mental and physical reaction to something that happened a very long time ago ... something reminds you ... something triggers you ... and all of the sudden you are reliving something you would rather forget ...

Something happened in the foundation of my relationship with the lemon man, before we
were in a relationship, that I want to forget ... I want it to go away ... I never ... ever ... want to think about it again ... but something in me won't let that happen ... sometimes it's days ... sometimes it's weeks ... sometimes it's even months ... between these flashbacks ... but they still come back ...

Part of me believes that it's because I never felt like I had complete closure ... I never felt like it was resolved ... and that's true ... but then part of me believes that I should still be able to let go ... I guess when I say there was no closure, no resolution ... that's a hard thing to make tangible ... I know that he is sorry ... I know that what happened hurts him so much that whenever the subject is brought up he becomes angry ... but logically I know he is angry with himself not at me ... or at least I think I know that ... but out of this anger comes a lack of belief in the sincerity of his words ... because he is so angry ... it makes it hard for his voice, his body language to become gentle and caring and sympathetic ... and I don't listen to what he says but rather to all of that ... and I am admittedly guilty of using this as a weapon ... I don't have many in my arsenal ... but I do have that one ... and for whatever reason ... when the flashbacks come on ... I lash out ...

I wish I could forget ... I wish that memory could just leave ... could just be erased ... I wish that the feelings that came with it could also leave ...

He loves me ... he loves me with every bit of his being ... and there is no reason for me to hold on to things I shouldn't hold on to ... but I haven't figured out yet how to let it go ...