I celebrated the anniversary of the day I was born a few weeks ago ... and for the first time in several years this involved days of celebration ... although I usually have a few things going on ... something with my friends ... something with my dad ... something with my mom ... and something with my kids (save the best for last) ... so this year wasn't that odd ... it was just spread out over more days than usual this year ...
*********************
In the world of social networking, as well as other places, I often encounter this thing I refer to as mommy snobbery ... this is where moms judge each other for doing all sorts of things ... their breastfeeding choices, co-sleeping choices, discipline choices, employment choices ... all these things and more make up mommy snobbery ... in this
world of social networking people like to post quotes and pictures ... and one of the ones that annoys me the most are the "being a mom is ... (something about giving up doing your hair, putting on makeup, partying and all the other things you used to do) in order to be a good mom" ... I take issue with this ...
Becoming a mom doesn't mean that you are no longer a wife/girlfriend/partner ... it doesn't mean you are no longer a sister ... it doesn't mean you are no longer a daughter or a granddaughter or a niece or an aunt or a cousin ... it doesn't mean you are no longer a friend ... and it sure as all get out does not mean that you are no longer YOU ...
Now before I go on, let me clarify, my children are, by far, my number one priority ... but they don't define me ... the title "mom" doesn't define who I am as a person ... I was a person before they were in my womb ... I will be a person after they move out of the house and pursue lives of their own ... I am not defined by the fact that I chose to be parent ...
I used to be part of this group called MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) through my church ... it was basically a support group for moms, primarily stay-at-home moms, but not completely ... it was a place where we could go and get together and talk about the trials and triumphs of being a mom ... almost every meeting we would have a speaker ... and one meeting a speaker we had talked about this from a Christian point of view ... she started with the things we understand ... the neglecting of our hair and makeup (for some that's more of a choice than a neglect and it
is who they would be anyway) ... but things we understood ... joking about only having time to shave one leg each shower ... but then she started saying that this was a bad image to give our kids ... to
teach our children that our lives revolve around them ... she said it's good for our kids to know we have social lives ... it makes them think we understand theirs better ... and it's certainly good to show them that their parents can be in healthy, loving, romantic relationships rather than only viewing us as mom and dad ... but rather viewing us as wife and husband, daughter and son, etc., ... she brought in the second of the ten commandments "Thou shall have no other Gods before me" ... she said that some parents "worship" their children to a fault ... they make them the center of their lives that they practically do turn them into their own personal deity ... and this is unhealthy for both parent and child ...
Again ... I absolutely believe that children should be a number one priority ... however they shouldn't be the only priority ... this line of thinking gave birth to the all important date night ... and the boys night and the girls night .... men/dads usually figure this out before women do ... but the importance of being true to oneself transcends parenthood ...
*********************
I went through my own personal issues of mommy snobbery ... when my oldest was born I was young ... my friends were bar-hopping and out having fun ... and I had a bad attitude about it ... "don't you know I'm a
mom now I can't do those kinds of things?" ... maybe part of my attitude about all this now is hindsight ... I was engaged at nineteen, married at twenty-one ... a mom at twenty-three ... then again at twenty-four ... and my son was born when I was twenty-seven ... it wasn't until I was twenty-nine that I realized somewhere in that process I had lost me ...
*********************
Which leads me back to the celebration of my birth ... the last few years I have spent my birthday with pretty much the same group of friends ... at bars/clubs downtown ... hanging out, having fun, sometimes dancing ... I also have girls nights out and other get-togethers with various people under some of these same scenarios ... I've also met with friends at smaller restaurants and local bars and many other places ... the last few girls nights out that I've had a lot of people weren't drinking (which is in no way a bad thing or something they're expected to do) ... I decided to mix up my birthday this year and go for what is considered a "calmer" venue ... for lack of a better way to put it ... invite more people ... see what happened ... well, what happened is the same people came ... I had a few additions ... but they probably would have come if I was at a nightclub too ...
The same people came ... they all bought me shots ... I drank way too much ... although I can hold my liquor ... what would have some people passed out on the floor still has me walking a straight line ... but then I think I leave people with the impression that the drinking, the partying is what getting out with my friends (birthday or not) is all about ... and it's not ...
It's about the company ... I can have just as much fun completely sober ... I can have just as much fun if my friends are completely sober ... half my girlfriends don't drink for one reason or another ... but I get this overall feeling that many people I consider close friends don't come to things I invite them to because of this elephant in the room where (because of social networking) they think it's all about the alcohol ... all about the partying ... and it's really not ...
I have amazing networks of friends that I think could come together and really get along with each other ... but something is holding back friends that used to come out with me all the time ... every girls night out ... every birthday ... now nothing ... and older friends from making it as well ...
I don't know if it's that some of these friends are going through their own mommy snobbery ... with small children and babies in the house ... or some maybe had their fill of hanging out with friends in their twenties ... or maybe I just don't "sell" events well enough to make people want to come ...
Now, I did have eighteen people show up for my birthday ... so don't get me wrong .... I have people that show up ... there are just people that I miss coming to these things and people I would love to meet the rest of my friends ...
I guess I did learn something though ... changing venues didn't magically create a larger list of friends ... moving from one area of the city to another also didn't do that ... and maybe ... what I need to do is accept that I have an amazing small group of friends that likes to go out now and then and talk ... sometimes in couples ... sometimes just girls ... sometimes to celebrate something ... sometimes just for the heck of it ... and maybe I need to not try to expand on what I already have ... although ... some of those people wouldn't be in that group if I had never tried to expand on earlier groups ... so in the end ... I will keep trying ... keep inviting ... and know that those that are meant to walk certain paths with me will ... while others won't ... and some will walk with me for a while ... but then leave ... and if they come back ... that's great ... if not ... acceptance is an amazing thing ...
