This is the blog post that will make me feel guilty as all sin ... the one that will bring my religious roots up to bite me in the ass as I even say some of what I'm going to say ... and I will preface it all with the fact that I adore what he does ... I adore his commitment ... I adore ... well ... him ...
I knew this coming into our relationship ... we were friends for a long time first ... I knew where his loyalties were ... and would be ... I knew the commitments he had made ...
His grandfather suffers from a debilitating disease that will eventually be fatal ... he actually has surprised most of the medical field in how well he has been over the last few
years ... my lemon man made a commitment to take care of him ... to make it possible for him to die gracefully and peacefully in his own home and to not have to be taken to a nursing home ... this is admirable ... this is an amazing quality in a man ... and although he wouldn't want me to say it ... it's almost a maternal quality to find in a man ...
There are people that question his motives ... they think he is there to live "rent free" and get free food ... etc., etc., but those people haven't been in his house like I have ... they haven't been laying with him and heard his bell go off (they use a wireless doorbell to signal that they need him) at midnight, then 1am then 1:30am then 3am then 5am then 6am and then at 10am his grandma calls and tells him to do yardwork and go to the grocery store ... and no ... not every day is like that ... but enough of them are that I don't think he's here because it's the easy way out ... he also almost always has to be here ... it has been a little easier since his aunt came to help a few months ago ... but going out is a rarity ... and when he does he is always taking the chance that something will happen that they needed him for and that something could be dire ... in other words ... it pisses me the eff off that people question his motives ...
In my own selfishness this is very hard for me ... it's hard to be in a relationship with someone that is so entirely committed to other people ... and it's kind of hard for me to explain because we spend A LOT of time together ... but that time is spent in his grandparents house ... his brother and aunt live there too ... and although I feel more at home there than in my own home ... it leaves me still with a feeling of homelessness ... and although we have a lot of time in quantity together ... it's hard to have quality time not knowing when the bell will go off or when someone will come in ... and it's hard to be "confined" for lack of a better way of putting it ... lately, since his aunt is here, we have been able to go out more ... and really we don't have the money to go out on any kind of normal schedule anyway, but to even be able to go walk around the lake ... or for him to go to my daughter's softball games or my son's football games ...
See ... this is the thing ... we lived together before we were a couple ... well ... I had an apartment ... and he came to watch the kids one day ... and then kind of didn't leave ... he was there for huge steps in my kids' lives ... then I moved away ... he moved with me ... and then the accident happened ... three weeks after we moved basically together ... his grandmother was in an accident ... and he immediately went back to his grandparents' house ... we still weren't a couple yet ... a few months later is when that finally happened ... and a few months after that he came back and basically lived with me while his aunt took over at his grandparents' ... but then he was there again for six or so months ... he went to every school event, every game ... he was there for everything ... so readjusting to him being the primary caregiver ... and having him unavailable is really hard ... and not just on me ... on the kids too ...
Then there's the part of me that feels like I'm sacrificing too much for his commitment ... because we have plans ... marriage ... children ... and my biological clock is ticking ... and now we've been dating for a couple years ... and it's not like I need those things tomorrow ... it's that I need to know it's even a possibility ... what if his grandfather lives another five years? ... not that I want him to go ... he is an amazing, sweet man ... but what if? ... or what if this commitment ends up extending to his grandmother once he does? ... have I put myself into a relationship that won't go the way I want it to? ... not that any really do ...
I love him ... I think it's amazing that he is the selfless guy that he is ... I guess sometimes I'm just left wondering when it will be my turn ...
