Softball Drama ...

Well, what better to bring me back into the world of blogging than something going on right now ...

I guess this requires some history ... my oldest daughter (who is now eleven) started playing softball when she was eight ... she started with 40mph machine pitch competitive ball on a 10u (10 and under) team when she was eight ...

When she started playing she had an absolutely amazing coach ... we moved to another city and I was naive and didn't know about how the whole competitive system worked in a bigger city ... so she played recreational ball with a wonderfully nice coach who really didn't know how to coach for her first season ...

She ended up trying out for some competitive teams ... but again I was new to this process ... we made some rookie mistakes ... and then she broke her finger during a try out ... it just wasn't meant to be ...

She signed up to play fall ball with some of the girls she played with last summer ... at first it seemed great ... she had started playing catcher last summer and she continued in that position in the fall ... she shared the position with another girl ... and they were about 50/50 ... everyone seemed happy ... as the season went on we noticed that the head coach seemed to get more and more angry ... he had words with more than one umpire ... and then he started in on the girls ... my daughter no longer wanted to play for him ...

Over the winter I tried to get her on to two other teams ... one of them I again lost out on due to naivety ... I knew when and where to sign her up, but I was supposed to have a copy of her birth certificate and they only took cash ... no checks, no debit cards ... so by the time I pulled up her birth certificate, etc., ... the team was full ...

It came down to asking her if she wanted to not play at all or play for that coach again ... she chose playing for him again ... well, she started out slated for catcher (along with the other girl from the fall) ... the coach said he wanted a third catcher because he didn't want any of them being burned out ... an assistant coach jumped at the chance to get his daughter into the position ... and started teaching her how to catch ...

To make a long story short ... as time went by the kids have played about 22 innings of softball (they average about 2 innings a game ... they're timed games, so they go for about an hour and a half regardless of how many innings they go) ... the other girl that my daughter has always shared the position with caught about six innings, my daughter has caught for three and the assistant coach's daughter (the one with no experience) has caught the rest of the innings ... the other girl's dad has stopped coming to the games and is talking about starting his own t-eam ...

Now, if this was all about winning and it was about the better player ... and his daughter was the better player then I would have no issue with this, but that's not the way it is ... even other parents have said that my daughter has skills that neither of the other players do ... and just to make sure I wasn't looking at it through my "mom goggles" as my boyfriend calls it ... I started counting catches vs drop pitches vs pass balls ... the assistant coach's daughter is getting better but she was about 50% ... the other girl was about 75% ... and in the few chances she has had my daughter is about 80-90% ... so it's not about skill ... every time the assistant coach's daughter steps up behind the plate I get sympathetic looks ... and some parents even come up and talk to me ... I haven't been vocal about any of it, so they're doing it on their own ...

On top of that the head coach's daughter is one of the pitchers ... she has missed four games and more than half the practices, but when she is there she pitches all the innings ... despite having two other very capable pitchers on the team ... 

All along, the coach is having major anger issues ... he gets ejected from a game ... in 10u recreational ball ... ejected ... seriously I don't understand ... three other girls have quit the team ... we all cringe at the way the assistant coach yells at his own daughter when she is catching ... or doing, well, anything ... it's not just about my daughter not playing catcher ....

Last night she had a breakdown ... she cried and cried ... and talked about quitting the team ... but she loves the sport ... she doesn't want to quit the sport ... at this point after talking with her father and my boyfriend what we've decided is that she'll go to the game tonight, but her father and I are going to go together to talk to the coaches after the game ....

I, personally, am willing to let her quit ... I understand all the stuff about following through on commitments, but there comes a point when the price is too high ... and teaching her that she has to put up with things she shouldn't have to put up with for the sake of commitment isn't a great lesson either ...

I guess we'll find out what happens tonight ... I'm not looking forward to this ...

Yes, I've Been Quiet ...

Most of you know I went away to the land of Disney ... which was wonderful ... and I have a few blogs to write about it ... I came back ... went back to work ... and then worked six straight days ... took one day off ... and then worked thirteen straight days ....

I'm training someone at my job so that they have someone else who knows what to do when I'm gone ... and a little secret I have is that I often write (and read) at work ... so that has cut into my blogging ... 

My daughter is waist deep in her softball season ... I'm working on my nursing school applications ... and all of the sudden ... two years after starting The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo the first time ... and the third time I started it I managed to get past the really boring beginning and become completely enthralled in the entire series and have been spending my free time waist deep in Steig Larson ...

I have blogs upon blogs in my head .... and they will be coming ... I feel awful for not being able to catch up on all the blogs I read as well ... but should have some more time in the coming weeks ...

I miss you all :) ...

Giving the Best of Ourselves to Everyone Else ... and the Worst to Those we Love the Most ....

Originally posted on my "old" blog ... March 21, 2012 ... 


This is either a subject people know about and understand or they don't ... at least to start with ... but maybe those that don't will understand ... at least a little ... after reading this ....

My father was an amazing citizen ... he volunteered as an EMT ... he was on the Search and Rescue Team ... he was even a State Coordinator for the Search and Rescue Team ... he was social, outgoing and even charming to most of the world ... but at home he was reclusive and closed off ... he gave the best of himself to everyone outside of his family ...

I have had friends have experience with this lately ... and I have experienced it myself ... someone is sweet and charming and funny with the rest of the world ... they maintain their temper ... but then when they are around the people that are "closest" to them ... the

Dancing in the Rain ...

Originally posted on my "old" blog ... September 9, 2009 ... 

So, a while back, someone posted one of those pictures on my wall that says "life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." In the last few weeks, the very deep meaning of that has come to light for me.

Life will let you down, people will let you down, things will happen that you never dreamed would. You will find out that people you thought you knew aren't the people you thought they were, or maybe even your instincts and bad feelings about people or situations were right, and things you hoped weren't true, will turn out to be true. You will lose your car keys, your kids will do things like color on the couch ... random people will try to make you feel bad, to feel sad, to make you cry ... because apparently nobody ever taught them

Letting Go ... Divorce is Hard ...

Originally posted on my "old" blog ... August 4, 2008 ... 

I am carrying so much with me, so much that I let effect me, I'm just hoping that this will be cathartic, help me to let some of it go and move on . . . I have so much going on in my life right now, so much that is expected, so much that I'm obligated for . . . a lot of stress, both good and bad stress . . . and I need to get a handle on it because I've turned into an emotional basket case - crying at the drop of the hat, or one misplaced innocent action or word from family or friends, or anyone . . . some of this is probably normal, I'm getting divorced, with this comes various stages of grief and stress and whatever else . . . right now I feel like the first and last thing I need is a shoulder to cry on, someone just to hold me and tell me that everything will be alright . . . my finances are well, not even finances . . . my dad who lives 150 miles away is going way out of his way to put gas in my car and help with my rent . . . I miss my kids like crazy when they're gone and they drive me crazy when they're here . . . certain aspects of my job leave me feeling completely unappreciated and at my worst incapable . . . I'm dealing with lawyers and doctors . . .  and I'm trying to hold my shit together for everyone in my life . . . I try not to let anyone in on the emotions . . . because first off, this is nobody's burden but my own, but also I never know the reaction I'm going to get from anyone; sympathy, anger, judgment . . . but no matter what I am countered with nobody has a full grasp of everything I am going through . . . I was asked last night if I still thought it was for the best . . . and yes, absolutely is it for the best . . . there are things that would never be ok, things my kids should never have had to deal with as long as they did, things that I need to let go of because there is no point in me carrying it with me anymore . . . and I'm working on that . . . and of course there are things I miss, as anyone would with anyone they've been with for eleven years . . . most of it is intangible, and actually completely replaceable . . . if someone ever comes along that is willing and I want to replace those things . . . stupid little things . . . a lot of it physical, because I am a touchy feely person, I have a huge desire and need for physical contact with people period not just lovers, or boyfriends, or family but everyone . . . a hug from my friends . . . my boss rubbing my back and playing with my hair . . . it's not sexual just physical . . . but yeah, I miss the stupid little things that helped to reassure me that I was/am beautiful - inside and out, loveable, worth the effort to be touched . . . and these are reassurances that I shouldn't and in all reality don't need, but they are missed and wanted and desired . . . and at some point there will be someone who will be that person to me without all the negativity that makes leaving those things all for the best . . . but as my quote said not very long ago, there's a reason that today is called the present, it is a gift, we cannot live in the past, nor predict the future and live to create it or nurture it, but rather live for today, appreciate what is here, try to ignore what isn't and go to sleep hoping that you wake up the next morning for the gift of tomorrow, but yes, worrying about tomorrow today will do nothing if you don't wake up the next morning . . . so why bother . . . .

The Delivery ...

 Originally posted on my "old" blog ... October 8, 2010 ...

Sometimes it's the delivery ... not the message ...

If someone gives you the best news that you could have ever heard ... but in the wrong way ... or the worst news you have ever heard but in the right way ... it can change your reaction completely ...

When someone is angry all the time ... and everything they say ... even positive things ... come off with that angry overtone (or even undertone) ... the receiver of the message will probably not see things in the positive light that they may have if the delivery was upbeat and positive ...

Body language is extremely important in person, as is facial expression, followed by tone of voice ... over the phone ... tone of voice means more than the words you say ...

In writing ... now this poses an interesting thought process in the reader's mind ... what generally will happen is the reader will take what they know about the writer and put that