The Struggle ...

I am caught in a struggle ... well several ... but the biggest of which is whether or not to stay true to myself ...

My last post provides some context for this one ... but basically I am an only child with only three cousins ... two of them are close in age and always lived very close to me ... I considered them more like siblings than cousins ... I'm sure they didn't feel that way ... but being an only child I guess that I definitely had a different point of view ...

Throughout time they have found various ways to exile me ... at my girl cousin's wedding there were reserved tables for "all the family" ... my dad (and his then girlfriend) ... sat at the head table ... by the time my ex-husband and I made it from the church to the reception hall with a four year old, two year old and five week old in tow and then made it through the receiving line ... there was no seating left in the banquet room ... and amongst
all the tables reserved with names of "family" our names weren't there ... we ended up sitting on a different floor where only two other tables were occupied ... lugging two diaper bags, a baby carrier ... I was still in pain from the stitches from delivering my third child ... it was awful ... it was inconsiderate ... and the fact that my dad sat two seats from the bride only added insult to injury ... my grandmother pitched a fit ... and it wasn't very common for her to defend me to anyone ... but in this case she did ...

I could go on with examples ... as I said in my last post ... I invited them to everything when it came to my kids ... my life ... they received calls from the hospital when all three of my kids were born ... so what happened several days ago broke my heart ... at least momentarily .... I was planning my son's birthday party and thinking about the ages of the kids (because his party happens to be in a place that has zones by age) ... and it dawned on me that my girl cousin was due to have her second child on my birthday which was April 15 ... and I hadn't heard a thing ... immediately I thought well maybe something bad happened ... so I emailed my dad and I asked if girl cousin had her baby ... I received a series of forwarded emails and an apology from my father saying he assumed I had been included ... he also realized that my other girl cousin, who lives in another state, also wasn't included ... on this forwarded email the announcement that the baby was born on April 29 there were at least 30 email addresses ... and we already know I wasn't among them ...

What saddens me is that I consider these babies ... all five of them between my boy cousin and girl cousin to basically be nieces and nephews ... I wanted to treat them as such ... I bought them gifts ... I did aunt-like things ... but then I wasn't invited to baptisms or birthday parties ... they stopped coming to things we planned for my kids ...

So this brings me back to my struggle ... how much do I try to be the person I want to be in their lives (both my cousins and their children) ... or do I just take their absolute resistance and exile to mean that I should stop trying ... I want to include them in everything ... I want to be included in everything ... my mom was an only child ... my dad only had two siblings ... my three cousins are really the only family I have ... when my parents are gone ... if I don't have them ... all I have are my children ... so how hard do I try? ... how much do I put into a one-sided relationship with family? ...

I just want the Rockwell paintings ... and maybe I'll have that with my children ... and their children ... but I just can't believe that these people I grew up with ... these people that are really my only family can just turn their backs so easily ... but apparently they can ... now I just have to decide if I should follow suit ... or fight against it ...

By the way ... much of this is why I chose to not just have one child ... I have three ... and I don't think I'm done ... because I always craved for a larger family ... and yes, I know they come with their issues too ..