So what exactly is the "flashback" I'm referring to? ... it is the sudden onset of emotional, mental and physical reaction to something that happened a very long time ago ... something reminds you ... something triggers you ... and all of the sudden you are reliving something you would rather forget ...
Something happened in the foundation of my relationship with the lemon man, before we
were in a relationship, that I want to forget ... I want it to go away ... I never ... ever ... want to think about it again ... but something in me won't let that happen ... sometimes it's days ... sometimes it's weeks ... sometimes it's even months ... between these flashbacks ... but they still come back ...
Part of me believes that it's because I never felt like I had complete closure ... I never felt like it was resolved ... and that's true ... but then part of me believes that I should still be able to let go ... I guess when I say there was no closure, no resolution ... that's a hard thing to make tangible ... I know that he is sorry ... I know that what happened hurts him so much that whenever the subject is brought up he becomes angry ... but logically I know he is angry with himself not at me ... or at least I think I know that ... but out of this anger comes a lack of belief in the sincerity of his words ... because he is so angry ... it makes it hard for his voice, his body language to become gentle and caring and sympathetic ... and I don't listen to what he says but rather to all of that ... and I am admittedly guilty of using this as a weapon ... I don't have many in my arsenal ... but I do have that one ... and for whatever reason ... when the flashbacks come on ... I lash out ...
I wish I could forget ... I wish that memory could just leave ... could just be erased ... I wish that the feelings that came with it could also leave ...
He loves me ... he loves me with every bit of his being ... and there is no reason for me to hold on to things I shouldn't hold on to ... but I haven't figured out yet how to let it go ...
Logging you in...
midnitefyrfly · 669 weeks ago
I asked my current man to read my blog- to get a feel for my writing, to get to know me better, because it is important to me... and he still hasn't. I could admit to cheating on him there and he would never know. When I think about it now it makes me want to cry. I flashback to the the few times I asked him if he was ever going to read it, before I realized he actually had NO interest in it and it literally broke my heart, and that feeling is enough to make me question our relationship. I know its not quite the same as like a cheating event, but I have had one of those (with other guys) and this hurt just as bad, maybe worse. I have vowed if I ever break up with him- I will do it in my blog first and he will be the last to know!!!