Being Enough ... The Thing About Being Cheated On ...

Edit: ... I think I say the word "enough" ... way more than "enough" times in this post ... =p

Recently I was out to lunch with a friend and we were talking about things from our distant and not so distant past ... and the subject of cheating came up ... kind of ... she was talking about how it felt like cheating to her when her husband had looked at internet porn ... now this is where you need to hear me out ...

I think that the thing about cheating ... is the feelings that come out of it in the long run ... there is initial anger and sadness ... the feelings that come from the betrayal ... from being lied to ... but in the long run the insecurity that is built is what will make or break a relationship ...

It's this insecurity that is relationship breaking that makes even things that seem mostly innocent an issue ... flirtatious emails, texts, phone calls ... looking at porn ... and of
course the actual commonly defined act of cheating ...

A lot of people say the insecurity is on the part of the person that was cheated on ... that it is their problem ... and they "just need to have more self-esteem" ... and for many people that's easy if they walk away from the relationship ... but to stay in the relationship makes it harder ...

Any time that someone is left with the feeling that they weren't "enough" ... that being with them wasn't "enough" for the other person ... it casts a negative light on an entire relationship ... many experts say that the success of a marriage after infidelity can be measured by the amount of remorse shown by the person that stepped out ... and I can see how that would be completely true ... if the person is showing tremendous remorse ... and reinforcing that their significant other is indeed "enough" or even "more than enough" a relationship stands a good chance of survival ... however, if that feeling of not being "enough" is allowed to fester and take over a relationship that insecurity alone can kill it ...

No matter what anybody says it is never the fault of the person that was cheated on ... breaking up, even getting divorced is an option ... so is marriage/couples counseling ... obviously a relationship isn't perfect if someone is cheating and blame can be spread in all directions ... but the choice to act on a desire to flirt with/be with someone else (even if that someone else is internet porn) is completely on the person that made that choice ... and whether or not someone wants to admit it or not ... if someone cheats it is because the other person wasn't "enough" in some way, shape or form ... the relationship wasn't "enough" ...

That is something that is terribly hard to get over on your own ... and if a relationship is going to survive I do believe that a tremendous amount of effort has to be put in to make sure that everything is "enough" and everyone knows they are "enough" ... because only when they realize they are "enough" ... and that you aren't going to do it again ... only then can they offer true forgiveness ...

There is a saying ... "once you've done something you wouldn't want your significant other to see, hear or read, you've gone too far, you've already cheated" ... I agree with that completely ... if your relationship doesn't feel like it's "enough" ... either fix it or get out of it ... but don't completely fuck with the life of someone who thinks you love them ... and honestly if you love them ... you won't do it anyway ...