I have feelings I can't explain ... feelings I can ... and then of course this blog is not anonymous .... so I have to be somewhat careful, guarded if you will, about what I say about certain situations, people, etc.,
The holidays are very hard for me for multiple reasons ... but mostly it's the pressure and the tug of war of both myself and my children .. and then I come off as uncaring and not wanting to spend time with people, which isn't true ... but I've spent a lot of time as a black sheep, and I emphasize a lot ...
I went through a phase right around my senior year of high school where I felt much the same way I do now ... but basically it comes down to this ... I play a very good black sheep from the sidelines ... so what is the purpose in joining a game, where further injury will inevitably be the only result? ... the bulk of my extended family has made it very clear
to me that I am not in the "in crowd" through various actions & words ... I grew up as an only child and considered my two closest cousins (the third of my three cousins is much younger and always lived several states away) to be the closest thing to siblings I had ... it is clear that they never really felt that way about me (now mind you they had each other, they didn't have that only child thing going on) ... anyway, I included them in everything as I got older ... invited them to kids' birthday parties, baptisms, they
were among the very first to know that my children were born ... I have been included in nothing as far as events for the three children that they have combined .... and that is just one example in many about where I stand ... and a fairly calm one, for this not so anonymous blog I have going on ...
I've always been looked at as the "wild child" (I use that quote because it actually was used by them) ... the delinquent ... the one that didn't follow the right path ... although as I've gotten older I've realized that no matter what path I chose, it would be the wrong one ... in their eyes at least ...
What's funny is to the kids I grew up with, the ones I hung out with in high school, I was a goody goody .. I didn't drink, didn't smoke, didn't do drugs, didn't have sex ... had many boyfriends but didn't get around ... and the shortest relationship I ever had was six weeks I think ... even in jr high ... the few falling outs I had with friends was usually because I was standing up for something I truly believed in when it came to morals, ethics and fairness ... all and all I was a good kid ... but to them I was always a second class citizen ...
When my ex-husband and I split up I'm sure there was judgment, I'm sure there was gossip, but outside of one mention of it in an email about something else from a cousin ... there just wasn't any support ... nobody reached out ... nobody offered anything ... and now, much like I did after my parents were divorced, I feel like I need moral support just to visit my family ... to know that someone is there that actually cares about me, that cares about my feelings, my side of the story ... literal moral support ... and how sad is that ... I feel like I need moral support to visit the people that are supposed to be the most supporting of all ... my family ...
For a long time I think things were okay because my ex-husband was there ... he was my moral support ... he would stand up for me ... but now ... the idea of going to any family function just me, or just me and my kids ... is basically my idea of my own personal hell ... to sit there and face the judgment that nobody will speak out loud, but they certainly don't speak the opposite either ... and now after having gone through what I did with my father and stepmother in the past year ... it makes it all worse ... I know he and she both have made me out to be something I'm not ... made themselves look, again, like they did nothing wrong ... and not that I'm blameless ... I own the things I did, the things I said ... which is more than I can say for the people that are supposed to be more mature, and more wise than I am ... my dad made a decision that forever changed his relationship with both me and my children ... and his reasoning was that to not make that decision was "hurting our relationship" ... I honestly don't think he thought it through at all ... because the decision he made was more detrimental to our relationship than anything that happened up until that point ... but I'm off track ... my point is that my extended family, not a single one of them, even asked me what my side of the story was, what happened ... not one ... even when I tried to open up that door with several of them several times ... they don't want to hear it, for whatever their reasons are ... which makes being around them without that moral support even harder right now ....
Having my boyfriend be so far away ... I just don't have anyone that really provides that for me ... anyone that I know will have my back ... or be able to send me a comforting glance or gentle touch when words are said that they know sting ... instead I spend my time fighting back tears .... biting my tongue .... and letting stress and pain keep growing within me ... I can let it go ... but not when it's staring me in the face ... with nobody to comfort me around ... and I can't do that to myself .... I can't live in a personal hell ....
Then you add the stress I have from my current living situation ... the fact that it's not even my decision if I spend Christmas or New Year's with my boyfriend, none the less the birthday that he and my daughter share just a week after Christmas ... it's not my choice ... I can't make that decision for myself ... I have to ask for permission ... and will honestly be heartbroken if the answer is no ... but I have no choice ... I have a roof over my head, a furnace that runs, internet and many other things ... and my freedom and independence is part of the price I pay for that ... and apparently heartbreak may be as well ...
I am grateful to have my kids with me for Christmas Eve/Christmas morning this year, as they weren't last year ... but there is so much pain and so much stress ... so much heartbreak .... this holiday season is so incredibly hard .... I still feel like I am not complete ... like my holiday is not complete ... I want the Rockwell painting, but have always been too realistic to know that will exist ... but I would take being able to spend the day with the four people I want to spend it with most ... and to have the other people give me the gift of letting that happen without the additional stresses, pressures and heartaches ... but I doubt that will happen ... so I just have to do what I've been trying to do all along .. fight back the tears, bite my tongue .... and pretend for my children's sake that I don't feel completely torn apart inside ... while not lashing out at the people that make me feel that way ... I am strong enough to do it ... but I still don't know if I can ...
