Labeling Our Children ...

Originally posted on my "old" blog ... October 13, 2010 ... 

I think there is a fine line between encouraging and nurturing the strengths of our children and labeling and pigeon-holing them into something, somewhere that is unfair to them ... so here is my confession/struggle ...

Hi, my name is Lemonade Lady, and I just came back from parent teacher conferences, and this is where I find it very hard to not "label" my children ... let me start out by saying that all three of my children are bright ... all three of them have areas they stand out in and areas they don't do so well in ... but ... here is where the issue lies ...


My oldest is "the creative one" ... she naturally draws better than I did when instructed by high school art teachers ... she is musically inclined, I have never heard her sing horribly off pitch ... not always perfect (and I'm a tough judge with three years of vocal music major fun stuff in college) .. but she is a decent singer ... she is interested in musical instruments and drama ... and writing .. which is about the only academic thing she is interested in ... she has already had plenty of F's and D's and I's and "needs improvement" and "below grade level" and other such negative comments on her report cards ... I fear her parent teacher conferences ... and today was
no different ... below grade level in two major subjects ... at grade level in the other major two ... problems with responsibility, problems with focus ... although she is a social butterfly ... she is, in my mind, and in the minds of many others ... an artist ...

Academics are not something she cares about ...and even I, the queen of the run-on sentences and the "..." in my blogging (which I know drives some of you nuts), ... am very, very OCD about formal and academic writing ... I was a straight A student (except the semester I had mono ... and that semester I got a D in PE ... and then the semester we thought I had thyroid cancer ... so sans three semesters ... I was a straight A student) ... I was a TAG kid (Talented and Gifted) ... I was in AP classes ... I was in sophomore math classes in the 8th grade ... this not caring about academics is something I don't understand ... but then again ... I am not my daughter ... she is an artist, she is creative ... she has talents that I do not possess, nor will I ever possess ...

Now on to the middle child, "the smart one" ... this is my child that I almost dread going to parent teacher conferences for, for the opposite reason ... praise up, praise down, not only is she amazingly academically inclined, with "above grade level," "exceeds expectations," etc., etc., etc., ..... she is a "role model student" ... I fear for her from the bullies that hate the smart kids who are good role models later in life ... because that was me .. and from about the fourth grade through the seventh grade I endured way  more than my fair share of bullying ... which is a blog for another time ... this is my child, that schools would fight for to have her be on their standardized tests ... the child I pick up from slumber parties and the parents can't stop praising how polite and wonderful she was ... this is the child that loves to read, loves to go to school to learn and yet still ends up being one of the most liked kids in the class ... this is ... the perfect child  ... from the school's point of view ... from her friends' parents points of view ... now she has her issues, when she is bad, she is by far the worst of my kids ... she negotiates everything ... "love and logic" says give your kids peas and carrots choices (so they feel like they have power, but the choice doesn't matter ... they're still eating vegetables) ... well this is my middle;

Me: "Would you like peas or carrots?"
Her:"How about corn?"
Me:"Well corn isn't an option, would you like peas or carrots?"
Her:"Well, I'll take carrots, but only if you promise we can have corn tomorrow"

Everything is a negotiation ... everything is a chance for her to see if she can push the limit, out smart, out think ... out do ... everyone ... school is competition ... and after every parent-teacher conference, after every report  card, I have to have a discussion with her about not bragging and making her sister feel bad ... but I am proud of her, outside of some of her issues at home (behavior, negotiating monster, etc.,) she is an angel ... and I understand her much better, because she is more like me ... like I was ...

But here's the thing ... by labeling, even in my own mind and the minds of others that know them and choose to label them ... "the creative one" and "the smart one" .... and before you all hate me ... I do not say these things to their faces ... by nurturing the creative side in one more, while understanding her downfalls ... and nurturing the academic side in the other while understanding her downfalls ... am I doing them a disservice ... my child, who is a bookworm, well, my mom and I bought her five books at the book fair, while my oldest got two ... a book about Justin Bieber and a fashion design book ... are we, am I pigeon-holing them? ... or am I recognizing their likes and dislikes .. their strengths and weaknesses, and not pushing them to be something they're not ... and trust me, my "creative one" ... gets plenty of academic help ... and my "smart one" ... gets plenty of access to creative outlets ... but by even allowing myself to think that way ... maybe I am somehow harming my children ... it's at least something to think about ....