Giving the Best of Ourselves to Everyone Else ... and the Worst to Those we Love the Most ....

Originally posted on my "old" blog ... March 21, 2012 ... 


This is either a subject people know about and understand or they don't ... at least to start with ... but maybe those that don't will understand ... at least a little ... after reading this ....

My father was an amazing citizen ... he volunteered as an EMT ... he was on the Search and Rescue Team ... he was even a State Coordinator for the Search and Rescue Team ... he was social, outgoing and even charming to most of the world ... but at home he was reclusive and closed off ... he gave the best of himself to everyone outside of his family ...

I have had friends have experience with this lately ... and I have experienced it myself ... someone is sweet and charming and funny with the rest of the world ... they maintain their temper ... but then when they are around the people that are "closest" to them ... the
people that care about them the most ... they turn into almost an entirely different person ...

I've seen touchy-feely people that out in public are touching and hugging everyone around ... go home and not touch their spouse/partner for hours even days after ... I've known people
that will put on their happy voice to say "hello" when they answer the phone for almost everyone ... but then those closest to them get the "what" ... or the "(I am so annoyed the phone just rang) hello" ...

It's a very hard place for the "other" person in the relationship to deal with what almost seems like multiple personalities ... it's easy to take it personally because it feels personal ... it feels like that person must be mad at the person, or not really want anything to do with them ... I don't know how else someone is supposed to take it when they get the worst of the person they love ...

Now ... there is the philosophy that it's some sort of good thing ... because that means that they're comfortable enough around you to be themselves ... but I think there is a difference between being yourself and being almost unlikeable ... especially when someone is very likeable in social groups, or to complete strangers ... I think it is a good thing when people put their guards down ... but putting your guard down and treating someone worse than you treat everyone else are two different things ...

I used to tell my ex husband that if he wouldn't say something to a stranger ... he shouldn't say it to me ... for instance ... if he wouldn't tell a stranger on the street that she was a "fat bitch" ... then he probably shouldn't say it to the woman he supposedly loves ... now that's kind of a gross exaggeration of what many people that find themselves in these positions go through ... but the point comes across nonetheless ...

I completely understand that it can be exhausting to be "on" all the time ... and I don't think anyone expects that in a relationship ... but I think everyone in a relationship expects to have the basics of what most consider to be a relationship ... which usually involves being treated well ... and not ignored ...

Recently when I was out with friends one of them told me that her husband refuses to kiss her "because they're married now" ... what sense does that make? ... what makes some people think that thinking that way will make a relationship work ....

As much as many people don't want to admit it ... relationships take work ... they do take being "on" ... and when you're not on ... you need to be aware ... a lot of people in relationships become unaware after the dating phase or the "courting" phase ... they stop remembering what is important to the other person ... they forget the things they were told early on in the relationship that their partner liked ... because they feel like they've won ... so there is no "game" left to play ... I use the word game loosely ... I don't believe relationships are a game ... but "players" even say they've "got game" for a reason ... all those things that were done and said at the beginning of a relationship to win over the person that you're with are in some ways part of a game ... but the game of life ... the game of a relationship isn't a sprint ... it's a marathon ... it's a lifelong series of moves that both players make to work together to stay together ... and part of that series of moves ... is to remember what brought you together in the first place and to remind each other of that in the long run ... just because you've lived together for two years or been married for ten ... doesn't mean that you get to stop playing ... and that you get to be the player you were for everyone else ... and then not be that with your significant other ...