The Kindness of Strangers ...

An event occurred the other night that I don't think many people experience ... it was a normal evening ... the lemon man and I waited around for his brother to come home so that we could leave his grandpa in good hands and head off to the store to buy some necessary items ... on the way home debated stopping for food ... we decided we would and then we debated where ... and we decided on the good old golden arches ...

Before we pulled in we saw that there was a girl standing at the drive-thru window ... anyone who has ever been a teenager without a car anywhere near a drive-thru knows that 99% of the time they don't let you do that ... so we found that kind of odd ... we went to give them our order ... and their computers were down so it took forever ... and while we

Cutting the Cord ...

I am still getting used to not having my kids with me ... the breaks can be nice ... but it's hard sometimes because since I've had them I've almost always been the sole person in their lives that was constant ... and in many ways I still am ...

For the first seven years I was a mother I was a stay-at-home mom ... so I was with them constantly ... I basically continued as such after my ex and I separated four years ago ... only I got a few breaks here and there ... some weekends ... some weeks ... and then I moved and the only time they were away from me was every other weekend ... which wasn't enough time to miss them really ... unless

The Power of a Smile ...

"A gentle word, a kind look, a good-natured smile can work wonders and accomplish miracles." ~ William Hazlitt

I ran into the grocery store at 1am ... I work nights ... that's fairly normal for me ... the security guard smiled and asked me how I was doing ... then I went on to the section of the store I needed and there was a man cleaning the floors ... he also smiled and said hi ... finally the clerk at the front

My Helicopter Mother is Driving me Nuts ...

A little over a year and a half ago I moved into my mom's basement ... after my dad evicted me ... it was a very hard time for me and for my kids and I am entirely grateful for her taking us in ... however ... I think she misunderstood why it was that we did move in ... or at least her actions speak to the fact that she thinks I needed much more than a roof over my head ...

This is a difficult area of contention for me ... because I know that she thinks she is trying to help ... she is well intended ... and we are in her house ... so it's hard for me to say things without sounding ungrateful ...

The problem is that she is now over-involved in my life and the lives of my kids ... she takes over meals ... she takes over laundry ... she takes over homework ... she nags me about stuff in my life ... including if I reset my alarm from 7:00 to 7:20 to get a few extra minutes of sleep ... she is either

What I Meant to Say Was ...

So ... when you decided to be a total and complete asshole and comment on my status on Facebook ... I responded ... but in a nice way ...

I'm glad that you decided that my completely innocent post that had nothing to do with you or your job became your place to decide that you would throw out your superiority ... your casting of inferiority on the rest of the American population ...

Don't get me wrong ... I'm thankful for what you do ... freedom isn't free and men and women that are all over the world doing it are all deserving of thanks and honor ... and you are far from my only friend that is currently doing it ... far from the only person I know that has been there ... and definitely not the one with the worst story to tell ...

What I meant to say when I commented back was ...

It's a good thing you and your family never needed help from us inferior healthcare workers

Mommy Snobbery and Birthday Revelry...

I celebrated the anniversary of the day I was born a few weeks ago ... and for the first time in several years this involved days of celebration ... although I usually have a few things going on ... something with my friends ... something with my dad ... something with my mom ... and something with my kids (save the best for last) ... so this year wasn't that odd ... it was just spread out over more days than usual this year ...


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In the world of social networking, as well as other places, I often encounter this thing I refer to as mommy snobbery ... this is where moms judge each other for doing all sorts of things ... their breastfeeding choices, co-sleeping choices, discipline choices, employment choices ... all these things and more make up mommy snobbery ... in this

The Downside of Selflessness ...

Selflessness is a good quality right? ... Especially in a man? ... you would think ... and really it is ... the situation that the lemon man and I have going on right now though makes me question the value of selfishness ... I mean we all have to be a little selfish once in a while right? ...

This is the blog post that will make me feel guilty as all sin ... the one that will bring my religious roots up to bite me in the ass as I even say some of what I'm going to say ... and I will preface it all with the fact that I adore what he does ... I adore his commitment ... I adore ... well ... him ...

I knew this coming into our relationship ... we were friends for a long time first ... I knew where his loyalties were ... and would be ... I knew the commitments he had made ...

His grandfather suffers from a debilitating disease that will eventually be fatal ... he actually has surprised most of the medical field in how well he has been over the last few

Flat Tire at 2am Friends ...

There are different kinds of friends in this world ... there are acquaintances and people we call "friends" even though we would never have anything to do with them if they weren't a friend or relative of someone else ... there are the friends we turn to in times of emotional crisis ... and the friends that we hang out with in different ways ... some friends are good to party it up ... others for a nice quiet cup of coffee ... we develop different relationships with different kinds of friends ... and I love and respect all my different friends ...

That being said ... there is a brand of friend that the lemon man and I often talk about ... the "flat tire at 2am friends" ... these are the friends that you know will be there for you in an instant ... no matter what is going on ... no matter what time of day it is ... and you

Broken Hearted ...

This was a blog that was coming regardless of the events of my last few days ... but it's also one of the reasons I decided I needed to move to this blog ...

It breaks my heart when I drop off my kids with their dad and/or soon-to-be step-mom and my son begs not to go ... my daughters (mostly the younger one) fight me as well ... but they don't do it in front of their dad or step-mom ... my son does ... and it's getting worse ...

Today I dropped them off ... my ex wasn't there ... so it was just their step-mom ... my son clung to me ... he cried ... he said he didn't want to go ... he wanted to go home with

Decisions ...

I am stressed out ... I can feel it everywhere ... and then there are the physical manifestations ... I hit a curb ... I ran a stop sign ... I almost ran a stoplight ... I forgot the code to the copy machine at work (which I have had memorized for ten months) ... I forgot little things while I was at work ... and I was only there for four hours ... I stopped for fast food ... which I have done lately, but I've been good, I'm on a grain free and dairy free diet and I've ordered things without cheese and eaten them without the bun ... today I ate the bun and the special sauce and even had a few fries and a soda ... I'm normally not a stress eater, but today apparently I am ... I'm not sleeping ... and I'm snappy ... definitely stressed out ...

But in all that stress I reached a decision ... well more like a plan ... I took everything that different friends and experts in my life had to say ... which varied greatly ... although most of the experts kept in line with each other ... so after feeling completely violated ... I decided what to do about it ...

I "confronted" my ex in an email last night ... simply asked him to explain when and why he did what he did ... he told me that he did it four years ago ... and seemed to think it

Violated ...

I'm hoping that writing this down will get it out of my mind so I can focus on what I need to do ... homework ... a lot of it ... all due tomorrow ... but I'm scared ...

I'm unbelievably, horribly, awfully and completely fucking scared ... probably the most scared I've been in maybe my whole life ...

I came home today after being mostly gone from my house (aka my hole in my mom's basement) for basically three weeks with a few exceptions to feed cats and check on some things ... I've been at the lemon man's house ... I went over and put some stuff down on my bed and looked up at the mirror ...

I could see it clearly ... but I couldn't read it ... I could read "was here" .. but that's it ... but from the far side of the bed ... reflected in the mirror ... something was clearly carved in the side of my bed ... I knew it hadn't been there before ... so I walked around to read it ... and there clear as day was "(insert ex's name here) was here 99-08" ... my instinct was to rub it ... something I regret now as fingerprints will probably be taken ...

I called the lemon man ... I begged him to tell me it was some kind of practical joke he played on me ... he assured me it wasn't ... I went and told my mom ... I questioned my

Glistening Drops ...

I just needed some space, some time ... to cry ... to think ... to figure it out ... so as I sat on the shower floor and the water poured over me ... I found myself sobbing ... maybe it was all about this ... maybe it wasn't ... maybe it was a long time coming ... as I opened my eyes and saw the glistening drops of water falling around me ... I realized that something has to change ... I don't know if it's me ... or if it's this ... or if it's the overall miserable situation that we are in ... but something needs to change ... I miss being deliriously happy ... and I want that delirium back ... I want to be able to feel the sunshine and really feel it ... to taste the spring air ... the freshness ... I want to be able to feel whole again ... and while this is as home as I ever feel ... it still doesn't feel like home ... eventually I left the shower floor ... washed my hair ... and fell back in bed ... not in state of

Anonymity ... An Introduction ...

I decided to start a new blog ... where anonymity makes it possible for me to write anything I want to write ... my lemon man (that's what I'm calling my boyfriend here for now) pointed out that in order for this to be truly anonymous I shouldn't tell anyone it's here ... and I understand his point, but at the same time there are people in my life I trust implicitly ... and I think they need to be part of this as well ...

I will hopefully be blogging enough that any readers I gain will learn through the course of my writing who I am and where I come from ... but I will say a few things to start with ... I married young ... had children young ... two girls ... and a boy ... their father and I separated just shy of our nine year anniversary ... and I feel like I've been handed a lot of lemons since then ... I was a stay at home mom ... I had a