Here is my story ... my crazy story that makes me feel like a failure, but maybe typing it will make me feel like I'm ready to get back on the horse ... I guess we'll see ...
So back in January I started on Weight Watchers ... it was good ... it's worked before for me ... I was good with it ... by March I had lost 32 pounds ... then I plateaued ... and I don't know what it is with me and being majorly discouraged by plateaus ... but I was ... I fell off the diet ... I gained about ten pounds ... then I got really serious and started on the paleo diet ... which was easier than I thought it would be to follow ... my main problem was getting the fresh produce on a daily or every other day basis and the lack of true
non-perishable convenience foods ... but the first week I lost almost 11 pounds ... I kept going ... then I had lost 22 pounds on it ... so I was at 44 pounds overall ... I went to Disneyland ... I dropped the diet, but I didn't go crazy ... I maintained ... I came back I did pretty good ... and continued to lose ... I went to Lake McConaughy and I ate like crap ... but that was such a crazy, stressful ... save that for another blog ... time ... that I didn't blame myself ... and I also didn't gain weight ... then I lost another 4 pounds ... I fit into jeans I couldn't even get over my hips at Christmas time ... I did a happy dance ... I was making progress ... I could feel it ... and then ... well, it was like I crashed and burned ...
Something inside of me clicked off ... when I should have had the most inspiration and motivation ... I lost all of it ... and I mean ALL of it ... if the lemon man reads this he will learn this here ... but I gained back 13 pounds ... I mean ... I didn't gain back all 48 pounds ... by any means ... but why? ...
I feel like I could eat anything in site ... I'm giving myself excuses like biologically we're drawn to food in the fall ... to store fat for the winter ... or I was sick (which I was) and I needed the extra food to heal my ailing body ...
In reality ... I think I got scared ... there is this whole psychological process with women who have carried too much weight for too long ... the "what happens when I do get skinny?" question ... will I be pissed off if my partner touches me more? ... will I be pissed off if he doesn't touch me more? ... will I be pissed off if men who wouldn't give me the time of day all of the sudden are hitting on me? ... what about the extra skin? maybe I'm better off fat than skinny with extra skin ... okay ... I got scared ... I'm not even sure what I got scared of ...
I'm one of those women that knows what it's like to be hot and skinny ... I know what it's like to get hit on everywhere I go ... the summers during high school I worked at an amusement park ... it was a slow day to get hit on once an hour ... I would walk through the grocery store and turn heads ... I could feel the power ... and part of me doesn't want that power ... I want to know the people that are talking to me are doing it because of more than my physical appearance ... I felt like a fricking piece of meat ... but you know what? ... when I go to the grocery store and don't turn any heads because I gained 100 pounds ... I feel like a fricking piece of meat anyway .... why the fuck are guys so superficial? ... and they don't hide it ... even the lemon man ...
Back when we were just friends ... and I still had a husband and well, a long time ago ... I used to occasionally go to lunch with the lemon man and another male friend ... they would sit there and draft women ... like you know a football draft ... "see that brunette, she's my number one pick" ... "oh damn you, fine I'll take that blonde" ... "you want to trade ..." ... and so on and so on and so on ... to this day the lemon man doesn't know why I hated that so much ... and I said something along the lines of first off if I walked into this restaurant neither one of you would pick me ... so how do you think that makes me feel? ... and when I was young and skinny and hot ... I would have hated you judging me like that too ...
I understand men are visual ... well, most men ... I do get that ... I understand there is an initial attraction ... but I think I'm afraid that no matter where I am on the scale ... no matter what my body looks like that I will have to deal with that on one level or another ... and I think I've come to terms with the fact that while I'm fat at least I don't have to deal with the unwanted attention ... but at the same time ...
I hate pictures of myself ... I do believe (rightfully or not) that part of the reason the lemon man never, ever wants to have any kind of PDA is that he's embarrassed ... I don't want to be an embarrassment for my kids ... I want to be a mom they don't want to hide from their friends ... so ... that 13 pounds would be a nice start ... and from there about 90-100 more ... but I did lose almost 50 pounds in half a year ... I just need to not sabotage myself ...
I can do this ... I know I can ...
Hooking up with my friends at YeahWrite again ... finally... I missed y'all ;)
